


Lavellans Lament

by SassyNightCat



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Aftermath, Angst, F/M, Gen, Lost Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-13
Updated: 2016-10-13
Packaged: 2018-03-22 16:57:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 45,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3736585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SassyNightCat/pseuds/SassyNightCat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Corepheys is dead, the Breach healed permanently, all is well and the world is rejoicing. All but the Inquisitor. A gnawing feeling in her gut, combined with a broken heart, refuses to give way for the the joy of victory. Where is Solas? What is he up to?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1 - Aftermath

It was over, Corypheus was dealt with, the world saved. Inquisitor Lavellan watched the party from the sideline as much as she could.   
Everybody was so happy, and she guessed they had cause. She only felt tired, and heartbroken. But she kept it all hidden, as always. She still didn't trust these shems. Their use for her would be over soon, and only the Old Gods knew what they would do then. Keep her here as the figurehead of their idiotic religion? Let her go home?   
There was still Rifts that needed sealing and she guessed they would argue she was to important to depart. Maybe he had done the right thing, sneaking away directly after the battle. 

“Is it a thing for elfs not to smile at parties? I should introduce you to a friend of mine, then you can have brood-parties together brooding,” Varric joined her and handed her a goblet of wine, she looked at him and scoffed.  
“I'm just tired,” she mumbled “...Josephine said I had to stay down here for a while...Apparently it is rude to not join a party even when you... forget it,”  
He looked at her, smiled that comforting smile he had and took a sip of his own drink;  
“I'm sure Chuckles will come around soon. Maybe he just feels the same about parties and bolted while he had a chance,”  
She didn't respond to the jest. She gritted her teeth and left the dwarf where he stood. 

Solas.  
Her heart felt like it was being ripped apart and her stomach turned itself into a million knots.   
He was the only one she wanted to see right now. She wanted to hear his calming voice, listen to him telling her she was stupid or melodramatic in away that made her feel like he cared. Have him share some stories from the fade with her or just... tell her everything would be all right. That she had done good.  
It made her furious that she wanted his approval, his care and love, but she couldn't shake it off. Her hand went up, touching the bridge of her nose and her forehead. She had given him everything. Trusted him to know more then her. To tell her the truth. Now she wasn't so sure of it anymore.

She closed the door to the library tower behind her, looking at the murals he had left behind.   
Was this all she would ever have left of him? This and the loss of her vallaslin.   
What would her Keeper say? Would they believe her? Call her a fool?   
She felt like a fool rather then a hero.   
Her looked at his desk, it was empty. Not even a note.   
She sighed, and watched the newest of the murals. Unfinished and... odd. It looked like a beast and a sword. Maybe a wolf? A dragon? And the foot of another beast. She sighed and ran her fingers over the mural. It would never be finished. She wouldn't let anybody else finish it but him.   
The rest of them depicted their time together, her journey to this point. 

Skyhold is her fortress, these are her actions.   
That had been his words to the archivist when asked about the murals. 

You where my fortress, she thought bitterly leaning her head against the unfinished mural, You eggheaded idiot. You were my fortress.  
“He didn't want it to end like this,” Cole appeared by her side, watching her with compassion “He was sad. He never intended for it to be like this. He knew he hurt you, and that hurt him. He wanted to tell you things, but he couldn't. You would not have understood and it would have hurt you more. Hurt him more. He hopes you will forgive him. That you will smile and be happy again. He liked it when you smiled,”  
“I don't give a shit about what he liked,” she snarled like a wounded animal trying to scare of anyone approaching.  
“That is not true,” the spirit said “You miss him. You are hurting very bad, like your heart is tearing apart and you fear you will never see him again. You cry on the inside, but don't want to seem weak so you turn angry when people talk to you. You trusted him, and feel betrayed. He didn't want that. But he could not stay, and he could not take you with him. He knows they need you,”  
“I don't care!” she roared making Cole flinch backwards at the force of her voice.  
She didn't want him to know. She knew the spirit could hear all her pain, that he knew what was happening inside her. She didn't want that. She wanted to be alone with it.  
“I want to help,” Cole said slowly approaching again “You have helped so many, I want to help you,”  
“I don't want your help,” she whispered with tears in her voice “I want him. I want him to be here, to...”  
She fell silent, and Cole just nodded. She didn't need to speak. The spirit knew what she wanted, and how bad she wanted it.   
“Come,” he said and took her hand, leading her up the stairs and out on the walkway where Leliana released the crows “They won't find us here,”  
She nodded, slid down the wall and stared out into the night. Tears were running down her face and in a distant she could hear the party spreading through out Skyhold. She should be celebrating. 

The world was saved, and she was its hero. 

And here she was, crying on a walkway over some eggheaded elf who didn't even have the courtesy to say goodbye. To just stay one night longer so she could have had this moment with the others.   
She couldn't grasp it. Why he made her feel like this. She had been burned before, left and lonely. This though, this heart-shattering pain, it was new. Like something in her soul was missing, and that gnawing feeling of something being terribly wrong wouldn't give.   
“Why don't I feel victorious?” she asked and Cole shrug his shoulders  
“Everybody is happy. You made them happy, they feel safe now. Thanks to you killing Corypheus. You are afraid it won't be enough. He was just one monster, a mad man, but there are always more mad men. You are afraid you will never get to go home. That they will keep you here and keep you involved in their politics. That there is no way out,”  
She nodded. She was afraid of what would come next. She realized she was deeply entrenched in human politics now. That she was someone powerful, someone they would want to use for their own gain. And all she wanted to do was to run into the woods never to be seen again. To join her clan once more and be forgotten.   
“I hate shem politics,” she mumbled “I... can't stand the city elfs and their complacency to that abuse. This will not end good,”  
“You could help,” Cole said softly “They listen to you. You are not afraid of them, like many others. You could help so many, help them to become free,”  
“I can't make them grow backbones,” she mumbled “I'm not their saviour. I'm just... I'm everything they hate. Those nobles. A rude Dalish mage that is not starstruck by their fancy words or money,”  
“I believe you can help. I believe in you,” Cole said and then disappeared leaving her to her thoughts.  
She gritted her teeth, reluctantly knowing he was right. She probably could help and change things. But how much had it changed for the elfs when the Hero of Fereldan saved them all from the Blight? Not very much. Probably because the Hero of Fereldan was busy doing Gray Warden stuff giving a rats ass about his people. He sounded like a jerk according to Leliana, but then again Morrigan painted a very different picture...   
She groaned and smashed her hand into the wall behind her.

Why was it always up to her?

She was ripped from her thoughts and fears by the worried voice of Josephine coming from the doorway;  
“Inquisitor? Inquisitor are you alright?”   
“I'm fine, Josephine,” she mumbled and went back inside “I just needed a moment alone. I'm tired. I killed an ancient darkspawn and fell from a flying fortress today,”  
“I imagine that would be rather draining, yes,” Jospehine agreed and brushed some dust of her Inquisitors shoulder “But I am afraid the Empress of Orlais and the Queen of Fereldan are asking for you, they wish to say their thanks for saving our world,”  
“And surely ask med for a favor,” Lavellan sighed and Josephine sighed a motherly sigh;  
“I am sure they can refrain from that until tomorrow, Inquisitor. Tonight is only for celebrations,”  
“Grand... well.. Show me the way then. And stomp my foot if I turn rude. My manners get worse when I am tired,”  
“I will be nearby then,” Jospehine smiled and Lavellan sighed, accepting her duty of hostess and followed her Ambassador back to the party. Her worries, and Solas, would have to wait for tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2 - Dragon Hunting

Days had past since the death of Corypheus and the following celebrations. Inquisitor Lavellan could at best have been described as aloof and distant during the festivities. She tried, because she was urged by her companions to relax and enjoy their victory. But how could she?  
Her nights were destroyed by being twisted between wanting nothing to dream for the bare chance of Solas visiting her, and wanting nothing less then sleep for the very same reason.  
The longer he was away the more desperate and angry she grew with him.  
Who was he to deny her like this? To steal her heart like he had?  
To distract herself she had grabbed The Ironbull, Cassandra and Varric and gone to Empris du Lion, for dragon hunting. 

No better way of getting your mind of things then to put yourself in peril, she reasoned. She didn't tell the others that, because it sounded morbid and slightly suicidal, but she feared at least Varric had seen through her already.   
He was watching her carefully as they climbed the mountain up towards Judical Crossing. Ironbull was chattering about like a happy schoolgirl, real excited about the prospect of killing three dragons in one day. Cassandra just looked as grim as ever.   
“They should be over the bridge, in the coliseums,” Lavellan said as they reached the Tower camp “If we can get rid of the dragons trade will flow much easier through here,”  
“A worthy goal,” Cassandra noted “I am glad to be out doing good work again,”  
“Yeah,” the Inquisitor mumbled “I have had enough of nobles and congratulations for a life time,”  
“Hard times, being the hero of Thedas?” Ironbull jested and Cassandra rolled her eyes  
“Do we have a plan?” Varric asked, not as delighted by dragon hunting as the others, “Or is the plan; Walk up, scream at the big deathly dragons and hope we don't get eaten?”  
“You keep in the background with me,” Lavellan said “I'll... change my staff. The scout reports say they are not fire dragons, but lightning. They would be largely immune to my lightning spells then, but I can call on spirits through my mark to hurt them. And a staff of fire would suffice I guess. Bull and Cassandra can be up close, drawing their attention away from us,”  
“So it is basically walk up and annoy them?” Varric muttered  
“What else can we do, Varric?” Cassandra locked gaze with the dwarf “Complain to them for so long they get bored and leave?”  
“I just don't feel comfortable running up to three dragons taunting them to fight,” he muttered “But I go where you go, someone has to write whatever families you lunatics have left when you fall and try and tell them you ended as dragon food,”   
“Don't be such a downer,” Ironbull laughed and weighed his axe in his hands “Are we going? I want to see these bad sons of bitches today!”  
“Just fetching some potions,” Lavellan mumbled and went of to the quartermaster.   
She noted that Varric followed her, with a determined look on his face but she didn't address him. He would say what was on his mind anyway.  
“You need to stop this,” he muttered fetching some potions himself “If you want to throw your life away in some post-world saving mania, do so. But why are you dragging us along with you?”  
“I'm not trying to kill myself,” she scuffed “Then I would have gone alone. I needed to get out of Skyhold. Hit something. Hard. Dragons are good for hitting, and they are a menace,”  
“Listen, I know you are upset over something. Cole is worried, and since Solas is gone I'm the one he talks to,”  
“Well how nice. I didn't mean to be a bother,” she growled and he let out a frustrated sigh  
“You are impossible! I am your friend, Lavellan, so stop acting like a cornered animal as soon as I try and talk to you!”  
“I don't need a friend right now,” she snapped “I need to kill something. Something big. And then I will... Why don't you ask Cole about all my problems then? I don't want to talk about it. Talking solves nothing,”  
She turned around and walked back, handing Cassandra and Bull their potions as well and then yanked out her staff and marched over the bridge towards the dragons. She could hear a swearing Varric coming after them.   
Cassandra glanced between them, catching the tension and Lavellan just assumed that Bull had caught on too but was just to excited to care.   
She snarled and focused her attention and determination on the dragons as they drew close letting the oncoming danger and her will to survive it engulf her mind and shield her from her other thoughts. 

It took them all day to root out the dragon problem and at the end they were all bleeding, limping and had more cracked ribs then healthy. But they lived, and the dragons did not. Bull was ecstatic with adrenaline and as they came back to the bridge with their loot and victory he swung the Inquisitor over his shoulder with a laugh;  
“That was amazing, boss! Way to wake up that spirit after days of getting fat and drunk! One could almost think you were qunari sometimes! Varric, Varric did you see how she faced down that last one by herself. It just swooped down before her, I was just trying to get up after the last attack, and Lavellan just snarled at it like a wolf or something and jumped up on its head shoving her god damn staff in its eye! Boss I am so sure you are not supposed to use the staff like that, but it was awesome!”  
“I was sick of it,” she laughed, high on the waves of adrenaline “It had mauled down my Ironbull, my seeker and my witty dwarf. What was I supposed to do? Fuck I killed the first darkspawn days ago, who did that dragon think it was? I'm not going down for some oversized lizard!”  
The qunari howled with laugher as he carried her on his shoulder back to camp. Cassandra shook her head at them and Lavellan heard the seeker mutter;  
“...Idiots,”   
But the Seeker was smiling too, and proud of their victory. Varric sighed and said;  
“Well I'm glad the rest of you are feeling better. Me, I just long for a hot bath and some of that left over roast back at Skyhold,”  
“Aww, come on Varric! You were a total bad ass too today! You can't say you didn't enjoy it!” Bull protested and the dwarf chuckled a bit;  
“I won't lie. It feels pretty swell to have taken down three dragons in one day. I'm just not as insane as the rest of you,”  
Lavellan glanced down at him and laughed. It felt good being out here again. With foes to strike down and perils to fix. Justice to serve. 

As they stocked up on more potions, and healed their wounds, it felt like a new day had started for her. The fresh cold air pinched her cheeks and the sun glittered in the snow in a way it had not that morning. She sat down next to Varric as he was cleaning Bianca and sighed happily;  
“I wanted to apologize, for this morning. I was crude and it was unnecessary. I am just... I do not like people fussing over me,”  
“I wasn't fussing. I was afraid you were going to get us killed,” he said glancing at her “But it seems you didn't. And you seem happier, so that is good. Want to let me in on why you have been so gloomy the last few days?”  
She hesitated, but then nodded and mumbled;  
“Solas. I... It all feels wrong. The way he left. What he said. I can't help but... feel abandoned,”  
“You saved the world, took down an ancient magistrate darkspawn, became the sole most important person in Thedas... And Chuckles going of the grid is the reason?” Varric seemed surprised and she groaned a bit at his reaction.  
“He... When the fight was over... He picked up the orb, he was..distraught over it being broken. Then he said something very.. unnerving,”  
“What did he say?” Varric looked at her, growing more concerned when he saw how serious she was.  
“He said that it was not supposed to happen like this. And that...” she choked for a moment, feeling the colour of the world fade again “That whatever comes, that he wanted me to know what we had was real,”  
“That sounds overly fatalistic and grim, even for Chuckles,” Varric agreed “... Do you have any idea what he meant?”  
She shook her head and sighed.  
“No. I just hope.. beg... that I'm just being paranoid when I feel like he was...somehow responsible for all of this,”   
“I think you are just having a bit of heartbreak and post-hero-syndrome,” Varric said with a quiet smile, and laughed at her confused look “Hawk had it too, a bit, after the Qunari incident, and after Blondie messing it all up as well. She saw conspiracies and dangers in every little thing that was out of order. I think it comes from being responsible for the whole world for a while, when you aren't... it can be hard to let that feeling of impending doom go,”  
“Maybe. I hope,” she mumbled “... And I'm worried about what will happen next. I don't want to be dragged into some.. chantry shite. It feels like they never listen when I tell them nothing of this had anything to do with their Maker or Andraste,”  
“They need to believe,” he noted and she rolled her eyes making him chuckle and pet her on the back “Glad to have you back, Inquisitor. It is comforting to see you get frustrated and bloodthirsty again. I might even go so far to let you insult some priests just because it makes me feel so homely by now,”  
“Oh, shut up” she muttered and left him to go to her tent and catch some sleep before they had to leave the next morning. A day of dragon hunting made her too tired to worry about dreams.


	3. Chapter 3 - Once upon a Dream

She drifted away among the pelts and blankets in her tent to the faint chatter of Varric and Ironbull by the camp fire, and soon she was standing back on the spot where Solas had taken off her vallaslin. A soft mist danced over the waters and she could smell flowers in the air. Just as the last time. Slowly she walked through the water, and looked at her own reflection distorting through the waves. Big green eyes, blond hair on the verge of white, almost dainty features.   
“...For all your knowledge and experience, you are a fool Ellana Lavellan,” she told herself with a deep sigh.  
“Not as much of a fool as I,” a familiar velvet voice said behind her.  
She snapped around, seeing him come out from behind a pillar.  
“Why did you come here?” he asked “I...”  
“Why I did come here!?” she interrupted with a dangerous fury “This is my dream! My memory. You are the intruder!”  
A strange look came over him. Like he was reliving an old painful memory.  
“Please. I never meant for any of this to turn out like it did... I did not expect you to be... so exceptional,” he mumbled and she scoffed feeling all that anger and hurt well up again  
“Don't tell me to calm down, you left! You... You dumped me, you used me, you took my vallaslin and then you just left! Not a word! Not a farewell! I deserved more!”  
He just watched her. A sad smile on his face and a small nod.  
“Ma vhenan...” he started but she interrupted  
“You have no right to call me that! I... I gave my heart to you! You were... You were the one that understood. The one who could even come near, the one I let in. And you betrayed my trust, ir suledin nadas”  
He fell silent. Still with that strange sad look on his face, and sighed.  
“You where indeed a great fit for her. So proud, so angry... Maybe it was fate that made you hers. Ir abelas, I hope your heart can heal with time. Please, remember and see the truth in what I said. Everything we had, it was real. I did not intend to love you but... you made that impossible to avoid,”   
She sighed, kicked in the water splashing water his way and turned away. She thought maybe he would disappear if she did that, but she could feel him remaining and she could feel her anger subside to give way for the tears.   
Two lonesome drops escaped her eyes and fell into the pond. She wiped her face in frustration and then felt a gentle, uncertain hand on her shoulder.  
“Ma vhenan..” he mumbled standing so close to her she could feel his breath on her neck.  
She turned around, throwing her arms around his neck and sobbed as she felt his embrace.  
“You don't understand,” she sobbed in despair “I will never forget. I will never heal. In my soul I know there will never be anyone that can take your place in my heart. When I kissed you, it was not a first kiss Solas. It felt like I had longed for you my entire existence and now, finally it was you and me again. I don't care what you have done, I don't care what will happen. I am not whole without you. My heart can not heal, for you took it with you as you left,”  
He was quiet, holding her as she cried and in a low tone he mumbled;  
“I wish I could say anything to ease your pain, but you do not know what you speak of. You would care, and you do care. I wish I walked a path where I could take you with me, but this is a solitary rode I must take. I will not hurt you again, by brining you false hope. We will never meet again,”  
“Don't say that!” She turned her eyes to his face, staring desperately into his calm but sorrow filled eyes “We can, we will! We can meet here... I...don't leave me,”  
“I should not have come forth,” he sighed releasing his hold of her and backing away “You are far to stubborn for your own good, ma vhenan. I hoped this could be an ending, a fair farewell. The best of an explanation I can give you,”  
“But you have told me nothing! You only fill my head with more questions!”   
She felt so hopeless, just as she had when he told her they had to end it the first time, and when she had turned to realize he was gone after the battle.   
“That is not my wish,” he answered “But I have no answers that would please you, or help you. I just... wished to tell you that I love you one last time. In a vain hope that it would ease your pain, but I see that is not what it is doing. Wake up, ma vhanen, wake up by your friends,”

She awoke with a jolt, her pillow wet with tears and realized Cassandra was sitting beside her with an ashen face.  
“She is awake!” the Seeker called out “Inquisitor, are you all right?”   
“...why wouldn't I be? I just...slept,” Lavellan answered and sat up, still a bit hazed and with the emotions of the dream still very much in her heart and mind.  
“We tried to wake you hours ago, but we could not,” the Seeker explained and pulled a blanket around the elfs shoulders “You spoke, in your sleep. But it was all elven, so I don't know what was said, and you...”  
Lavellan waved for the Seeker to be quiet, closed her eyes, trying to master her own self and sighed;  
“I...it must have been exhaustion. I have not slept well since the battle. And... yes. Exhaustion,”  
“Maybe. We should send after a healer anyway,” Cassandra insisted and Lavellan sighed  
“Do not fuss, Cassandra. The breach is closed, I'm still alive and I will continue to close the remaining rifts for you. Just.. don't fuss over me,”  
“I am not fussing!” Cassandra grumbled “But you are a friend. I don't want you to be hurt or endangering yourself,”  
Lavellan grunted and crawled out of the tent and stretched her limp aching body. Varric and Bull was nearby, watching her as she escaped out into the open.   
“I'm fine,” she told them before any one of them could utter a word “I'm fine, just exhaustion,”  
“You scared us, boss,” Ironbull said giving her some bread “You were mumbling and glowing... Did you always do that?”  
“...No. No I do not usually glow when I sleep,” she muttered chewing down the bread “How was I glowing? Cassandra? Like when I got out of the well?”  
Cassandra looked uneasy but then sighed and answered;  
“Your tattoo. Vallaslin, right? You glowed where it used to be. Did you dream?”  
“One always dreams when sleeping,” she sighed “It was..nothing. Don't worry about it,”  
“Ehh.. Boss. I see you're lying. I think you should tell us...” Bull noted and she growled a frustrated growl.  
“Fine. I dreamt of Solas. We were arguing and he was a fucking ass hole, as always. Saying he loves me and then the next second explaining we will never see each other again, but boho he never fucking meant to hurt me. Just to yank the blade he left in the hole where my heart used to be a bit. Because he cares. Everybody happy now!?”  
“Wow...” Bull looked at her with raised eyebrows “Remind me to never piss you off, nor date a mage if that is how you all handle break ups. Break up talks in dreams? Man...”  
“It was delightful” she snarled and walked off cursing Solas wishing the Dread Wolf to find him and chew his ankles into lumps.   
They returned to Skyhold, much to Lavellans disapproval since she didn't want Cole snooping around her head at that moment. Or to stay still. She wanted to kill another dragon, imagining Solas stupid face on said dragon. Or maybe dig up Corypheus and kill him again, imagining Solas stupid face on him.   
“Inquisitor!” Josephine almost ran up to them when they arrived “I've heard news of you killing all the dragons in Empirs du Lions?”  
“Yeah,” Lavellan muttered and walked past her ambassador “I don't care if your god damn Maker wants to throw me a party for it, we have important stuff to do. Stuff them or make bloody soup of them, I don't care,”  
“I-inquisitor?” Josephines voice trembled as a response to the brusque reply  
“Don't mind her, Josy,” Varric noted “Our Inquisitor had a dream-fight with her boyfriend last night and is still teaming,”  
“He is NOT my boyfriend,” Lavellan spun around roaring “He made that perfectly clear. Oh, and Josy, Cassandra, if Solas shows his eggheaded ass here in the flesh. Toss him out again!”  
“...yes... Inquisitor,” a stuttering Josephin mumbled glancing to the others for an explanation,  
“He hurt you. You wanted him to tell you everything was well, to calm your fears. He made it worse,” Cole showed up next to her and the Inquisitor had to use all her willpower not to punch the kid “You are hurting,”  
“Stay. Out. Of. My. Head!” she growled and stormed of to her room, slammed the door, and started crying. 

She couldn't control it, but she refused to be that crying, sobbing goose of a woman that broke down when her man left. At least in front of the others. She sat there, leaning against the door, sobbing for a good half an hour before Cole appeared again on her window seal.  
“May I come near?” he asked watching her hesitantly.  
She nodded, and wiped her tears.  
“I am so sorry, Cole” she whispered, feeling terrible for lashing out on him time and time again “I...I know you can't help it, and that you are only trying to help”  
The spirit boy came closer and sat down in front of her, watching her with those pale blue eyes.  
“...The others are worried about you,” he said “About what happened. They only want to help. They care for you,”  
“... I don't want help,” she mumbled “I want it gone. I don't want to hurt like this, for him to get to me like this. I feel like a fool,”  
“It's like with the halla,” he said with a dreamy voice “You had to wrestle it and hold it so it would lie still, so the Halla Keeper could treat the wound. The halla knew it was hurting, but did not dare let you near the wound. So you had to subdue it. You are like the halla now, but your friends can not see the wound you carry even though they often come to near, so you try and scare them off,”  
She closed her eyes and nodded.  
“Maybe. But what can they do? They can't make him come back, or make me forget him,”  
She grew silent and slowly opened her eyes, a wild idea forming in her mind.  
“Could you do that? Make me forget him?”  
“I-I could, I guess,” Cole mumbled “But I don't want too. There is many things to forget if I was to do that and... I think you have to remember,”  
“Why? It is hurting me,”  
The boy looked confused and as if there was something he was trying to remember.  
“...I don't know,” he mumbled “I... There was something. I know you need to remember. He... I don't remember. There is this hole, but when you say you want to forget I know you have to remember. A dog? Why do I think of a dog? He wanted to give you puppies. But he couldn't? No.. no that does not make sense,”  
A chill went down her spine and she bit her lip.  
“Cole... Have you forgotten something about Solas? Something you knew, that maybe would have made me scared or angry? Something he did not want me to know?”  
“I... I don't know,” the spirit mumbled looking a bit worried “... Something tells me yes but I do not remember,”   
“That motherfu...” she growled “He made you forget. I will bet my arse that he realized you knew something and made you forget,”  
Cole looked worried, but did not argue. Maybe he to sensed that it was the case.   
“I won't let him get away that easy,” she continued and rose “Come Cole, we have things to do. An apostate to catch,”


	4. Chapter 4 - Suspicions are rising

They headed down and out to the garden, she hoped Morrigan had not left yet and was pleased to see the mages sitting there talking to her son helping him study.  
“Morrigan!” Lavellan called out hopping over benches and small walls she could not be bothered walking around.  
“Inquisitor,” the witch said and asked her son to continue studying while she talked to the Inquisitor.   
They walked off a bit and Lavellan took a breath before explaining what was on her mind;  
“I think Solas have erased Coles mind. Made him forcefully forget something that he did not want me to know,”  
“Well, well,” Morrigan answered eyeing Cole with a curious stare “Trying to hide from us are we, Solas? But what is so terrible he would not dare for his Inquistor to find out?”  
“I don't know,” Lavellan muttered “But I intend to find out. I want your help to find him. I will have answers,”  
Morrigan looked amused and cocked her head to the side eyeing the Inquisitor for a moment and then slowly said;  
“I have other plans, Inquisitor. Keiran and I were about to leave, but this is intriguing and I might be able to at least set you on a path that can help,”   
“Please,” Lavellan mumbled feeling her heart sink when s he heard the news “I need your help. You are the one expert on elven lore that can match Solas, and I think he might be trying to find another of those orbs Corypheus had,”  
Morrigan frowned and looked startled for a moment.  
“Why would he do that? It is very likely there is no other such orb, and what would he do with that? Why the secrecy?”  
“I...” Lavellan kicked the stone wall a bit and gritted her teeth “I think he might plan to use it. For what I do not know, but I can not allow him to put the world in danger. Not again,”  
“Again?” Morrigans voice was growing wary   
“I... he talked in riddles, the last time I saw him. The more I think of it, the more I get the feeling he was at fault for Corypheus getting that orb, or something like that. All the things he said, the things he knew... It does not make sense, Morrigan. Or am I going mad? Varric say I might just be unable to handle the world being safe again, and try to invent a danger which is not real,”  
“People cling to the notion of safety, especially when just granted it,” Morrigan scoffed “They would dismiss even a possible threat as folly just to keep that notion. Your thoughts are worthy of inquiry. And I am glad to see that rosy veil falling from your eyes about your elven friend, even though I am sure it hurts,”  
“It does,” Lavellan admitted and sighed “But... there are too many questions. I need Josy to send for my clan. The Keeper Deshanna knows far more then me about elven rituals, I will need her guidance,”  
“And you miss them,” Cole said and she nodded  
“I do,”  
“And what assistance would you want from me, Lavellan?” Morrigan asked “My son and I have plans,”  
“I would be grateful if you could collaborate with my keeper, between the two of you I believe we have the greatest knowledge of the elvhenan in the whole of Thedas,”   
“I am flattered,” the witch said with a wry smile “And this sounds worth my time. Are you planning on getting my Mother involved? Or is she the one steering you down this path?”  
Lavellan hesitated, and bit her lip for a moment. She had not even reflected over Mythals influence yet. It had been awfully quiet since the battle with Corypheus.  
“There have been no input from what I can tell since the battle,” she answered and pulled a worried hand through her hair “What was your plan before I interrupted with mine?”  
“We have places to be, things to do,” Morrigan mysteriously answered and Lavellan rolled her eyes, making Morrigan laugh “It would not effect you, nor your Inquisition. But I keep it to myself if I may. Not all between these walls are friends of mine. But I can start out helping you by taking a look at the boy and this allegedly erased memory,”   
“Thank you,” Lavellan said and left to ask Josy to send an escort and a message to her clan that she wished them to come.

She was a bit worried about seeing them again, so much had happened in the last year. It felt like they had been apart for a lifetime, and she felt unsure about how they would react to it all. Everybody here only new her as the Inquisitor, or their idiotic claim for her to be the Herald of Andraste. Her clan new her for who she was before. It was not the same person any more.   
“It will take weeks, if not months for your clan to arrive, Inquisitor,” Josephine noted as she sealed the order for one of her runners and clamped it together with Lavellans letter to her clan “There is much we need to do in the meanwhile, what do you wish this Inquisition to be now? Our main objective has been achieved, after all. So we will need a new purpose,”  
“I don't know” Lavellan groaned “I am... I don't know, Josy. Maybe we should just... keep people safe for now? Close rifts, be a stabilizing force in the aftermath of the chaos? I never wanted to play Queen of the world or some holy person running around to govern. I want shems to stop being pricks, I want my people to be able to live in peace and I want to have time to recover what I can from my peoples history,”  
“Always the Dalish, huh?” Dorian mused from the doorway “You could be the most powerful person in Thedas,”  
“She already is,” Josy corrected while making a note on her clipboard,  
“You are the most powerful person in Thedas, and you want to go out in the woods looking for ruins and mouldy books?”  
“Well, since your people so kindly ruined our cities and enslaved us, that is all we have left,” the Inquisitor replied with a dry less then amused voice “We can act as a force of justice and stability without agreeing on theology. But I won't be the Herald. If it causes problems, then I'm sorry but I can not do that,”  
“I understand,” Josephine sighed “Well, the Queen of Fereldan still wants to hold a feast to our honour. It will be a good place for you to talk about what the future holds for the Inquisition. I will accompany you, as well as Commander Cullen,”  
“...fine...” she muttered with such discontent that Dorian couldn't help but laugh;  
“Oh it is like watching Josy hold council with a three year old. Such delight. Maybe a cup of tea for the Inquistor? I just came by to offer my invitation to Lady Montilyet,”  
“I hate tea,” she mumbled “And I have to look a few things up, go through old moldy books you know,”  
“You and Solas were such a good match. Too bad he couldn't value it and you as he should have,” Dorian sighed “Hating tea, loving old ruins and moldy books, elven,”  
Josephine glanced between them, clearly worried about how Dorians jest would be received. Lavellan just rolled her eyes and left the room, heading down to the old study and her bottle collection. 

Few ventured down there, and she had not had time to go through the books in that old study yet. Maybe something of worth could be found in the shelves. She could hear Josy scold Dorian for bringing up Solas and sighed deeply. Everybody was so nice... She wished they would stop fussing about her, and just let that whole Andraste thing go.   
She was the vessel of one God, her own God. An elven God. Was that so hard for them to accept? Shems...   
She started on the bottom right of the bookshelves and sorted all the books into three different piles;  
Useless, in need of repair, and good condition.   
It was a good meditative chore for her. It let her fingers be busy while her mind could ponder different ideas while casually flipping through the books. She could hear someone approach but didn't care to look up. Nobody here was shy enough to not address her no matter what she was doing.   
“Are you okay, Sparky?”   
It was Varric. She sighed and threw a book into the useless pile, pages falling out as it hit the floor next to the rest of the books.  
“I just want them to get it out of their heads that I am the Herald of Andraste,” she answered flipping through the next book “And I want to know what Solas is up to,”  
“Cole said you thought Solas had erased parts of his memory. Remember what I said about making up problems when there are none?”  
“I remember,”  
“Well... I am glad that you are up and walking, sorting books and making plans rather then dragging me off to kill dragons but... Maybe this is just you not being able to handle that he left? I know he was important to you, and that things didn't end on a good note but... Maybe you should just not do anything that has to do with him for a while?”  
“That would force to leave Skyhold, not close rifts and probably be unconscious for a good while,” she replied with a dry voice “Everything reminds me of him. You remind me of him. And this is.. yes I am angry for how he ended things. That he was a coward and left, that he is keeping secrets from me and that I was such a fool that I let him become this important to me. That probably influences my thoughts of him acting suspiciously. It does not, however, make my suspicions invalid. And if they are just mad thoughts, then there will be no substance for them when I've investigated, and I'll know. For sure. So everything is fine,”  
“... It sounds like madness to me, but hell... have at it,” Varric sighed and turn to leave  
“Oh Varric, one more thing. I found a very... well read... copy of Swords and Shields here... Do you want it?”  
“Keep it. It might do you good to read some smut,” he said with a chuckle and she smiled back at him,  
“Thank you, for caring. I am glad you do. Don't stop question what I do, it will make it easier to realize if I'm just mad,” she said and he nodded  
“I will. And I hope you are. I don't think being right about this will make you or any of us any happier,”  
“No...” she sighed “No it won't. But I have to know,”  
“I know,” he mumbled “And we will be here, helping you. Keeping you sane,”  
“Good, now, go have tea with Dorian. I would hate to have him come down here complaining about me keeping you from your social functions,”  
Varric just nodded and left her alone with the books.


	5. Chapter 5 - Reunion

It took roughly two months before clan Lavellan arrived at Skyhold, the Inquisitor was just heading out towards the stables to groom her halla when a runner came up to her;  
“Inquisitor! Inquisitor! We have spotted Dalish approaching, they claim to be your clan!”  
She didn't reply, she set off running, not giving a damn about appearances or if it seemed unworthy of the Hero of Thedas to run like a fool through Skyhold and down the drawbridge to meet her clan.  
She could hear Cassandra call out after her, and Josephine, but she didn't care.   
Her eyes was already tearing up at the mere thought of them.  
Felthon looked as proud and stern as always, being the oldest and wisest of the warriors leading the clan side by side with Keeper Deshanna. She could also see Neris and Pallen, twins and closet to her age in the clan. They seemed to be in awe walking up to Skyhold and Neris shrieked in joy when she saw the Inquisitor approach them. It was just a small, but decisive hand signal from Felthon that held the two elves back from running up to her.   
Ellana Lavellan had never given much heed to Felthons orders, much to his dismay. Neither did she today. She flung herself around Deshanna in a warm desperate embrace and the old Keeper chuckled as she hugged her First.  
“There, there,” the Keeper mumbled “We are here now. Your people are watching. Maybe we should do this a bit more formal?”  
“Screw them,” Lavellan mumbled close to a sob “Screw their expectations. I've missed you so much,”  
“And I you, dhalen,” Deshanna replied, putting her First on an arms reach looking at her closely “Where is your vallaslin, dhalen?”  
Ellana froze. She could hear the gasp go through the clan as they all noticed her bare face.   
A quick, deep, stab of shame came over her and her eyes went to the ground.  
“There are things we must talk about... That is one of them,” she mumbled and Felthon scoffed;  
“Did the shems do something to you? There are a lot of them...”  
“They are friendly,” Ellana snapped glaring at him “They are under my command, do not cause a scene. I... a lot has happened since I last saw you. We will need to discuss it inside. Come, let me show you Skyhold,”  
“Of course, dhalen,” Keeper Deshanna said with her soft voice and leaned on her first as Ellana led the way.  
A powerful move to show the clan all was well.   
As they arrived up through the gate she noted that most of Skyhold seemed to have gathered to see her clan arrived. Cullen, Josephine and Leliana was front and centre, smiling at them as they walked in.  
“Keeper Deshanna, and clan Lavellan,” Josephine said with deep respect and courtseyd to the keeper “Andaran atish’an, welcome to Skyhold,”  
Keeper Deshanna smiled and stepped forward, bowing her head to Josephine and the rest of Ellanas council;  
“Lady Montilyet, Commander Cullen, Leliana, Ma serannas for keeping my first safe and to you all for saving this world. Clan Lavellan is honoured to be invited to the famed Skyhold,”  
“We are the ones honoured, Keeper,” Josephine said glancing at the Inquisitor “To host the clan who gave us the saviour and hero of Thedas,”

With the formalities over with Cullen showed Felthon and the others where they would set up their aravels and Ellana took Keeper Deshanna on a tour of the fortress along side with Josephine. Josephine did most of the talking, explaining the history of Skyhold that they had learnt so far and introducing the Keeper to all the Inquisitors companions. The Inquisitor herself grew more and more quiet, realizing Josephine left the rotunda to last had not yet mentioned Solas. Keeper Deshanna was delighted with the Ambassadors tour and often praised the antivan for her hospitality and what great joy it was to finally meet the woman behind the letters.   
As they turned towards the rotunda, finally, Ellana felt sick to her stomach and clinched her jaw trying not to grit her teeth. Keeper Deshanna had noticed, she knew the keeper had noticed. She always noticed. Josephine had noticed too, glancing at the Inquisitor and tactfully saying;  
“There is only the library left, in this tower, but I am afraid I have many duties to attend. I am sure the Inquisitor is longing for some alone time with you as well, Keeper Deshanna. I hope you can forgive my rudeness,”  
“There is nothing to forgive,” the Keeper replied and looked at Ellana as Josephine departed “So, dhalen, is the answer to why your vallaslin is missing and why you are fretting like a child caught red handed in the cupboard behind this door?”  
“Of sorts,” Ellana mumbled and looked at the door with great angst “...I will show you. But it might not make sense to you,”  
“Few things do without an explanation,” the Keeper noted and laid a supportive hand on her First's back “We have never had secrets before, Ellana. You are safe to talk to me,”

Ellana Lavellan, the conquer of Corypheus army, the slayer of the first darkspawn, saviour of Thedas, was trembling as she entered the rotunda and gazed upon the frescos with her keeper.   
That sting of longing and despair came, as always when she viewed the pictures. Especially the last unfinished one.   
Keeper Deshanna gasped in awe, turning slowly trying to take it all in.  
“Who made these?” she asked after a few moments of awestruck silence “This is... this is an ancient elven technique. Only a few knows it, and I have never seen it mastered like this. Is it.. it is the story of your achievements since the conclave, is it not?”  
“It is,” Ellana mumbled and sat down on his desk “Solas made it,”  
“Solas? The elf mage who helped you?” Dasheene asked reaching the last of the pictures “Oh dhalen... Did he... Did he not survive?”  
“Oh, he survived,” Ellana grumbled staring at the unfinished fresco with the anger of the heartbroken in her eyes “But he left,”  
The Keeper grew silent, realizing it was more then just a companion and some of great knowledge about their people who had left, and gently sat down beside her First putting a motherly arm around her shoulders.  
Ellana felt stupid. Like a child, and she was no child. She was an adult, the First of clan Lavellan. Deshannas heir and someone people looked to for miracles. She was a capable, strong, dalish woman. So why did she feel like such a fool?  
“The first love always ends up in tears,” Deshanna whispered and placed a comforting kiss on Ellanas temple “Tell me about it, what happened?”  
“...He.. he was a moron,” Ellana whispered “Always dissing us Dalish, saying we knew nothing, that we tried to save a culture we did not even understand. I challenged him, told him he was the moron who knew so much but did not help us recover what had been lost. I learned so much from him. About the fade, about us. He... he is a fade walker. He said he used to sleep in ancient ruins, seeing them through the fade, their memories and learn their history that way,”   
A soft smile came upon her face as she thought of their long talks and all the stories he had told her. It had been like a dream itself, everything she had ever dreamed of.   
Then she came back to reality, remembering it was never to be again, that none of it might have been true.   
Her smile faded, replaced by a sad frown and eyes that scowled at the floor in resentment.  
“He.. we... I fell in love. I can not speak for him. I thought he had too, he claimed such but... Who am I to say what is true and not? We discovered that Corypheus would try to enter the Fade in the flesh through an Eluvian in the Arbor Wilds, so we went there to stop him. The Eluvian was situated in a temple of Mythal. There were still guardians there, true elvhen. Immortal, Keeper, they had been protecting her temple since before the fall of Arlathan,”  
The keepers eyes grew wide and Ellana sighed,  
“I did the ritual, honouring her, and I asked them to help us. To share their knowledge. They had no interest in that but Abelas, their commander, allowed me to drink from vir'abelasan, the Well of Sorrows. He said that Mythal was betrayed, murdered, and the well was a reminder of what was lost. Of her. All her servants had entered it at the end of their life, giving their knowledge to the well. As I drank of it that knowledge passed to me. Or.. should have at least. It is still very.. jumbled. I also learned, later on, that Asha'belannar is the vessel of Mythal so... I kind of am her servant now. A servant of Mythal, and in extension Asha'belannar,”   
The Keeper stared at her, as if she was looking at a stranger unsure whether or not to believe what her First was telling her.   
“...Is the temple still there?” she asked with a shivering voice and Ellana slowly shook her head,  
“Corypheus destroyed it when he realized I had drunk from the well and we went through the Eluvian, closing it behind us so he could not follow,” she answered with a deep sigh “...I have found other temples, ruins of old elvhen temples, during my time here but... Mythals temple is forever lost,”   
“How sad,” Deshanna mumbled holding Ellanas hand softly “But at least you where there before it was destroyed, so you can remember it. And you.. are now a servant of Mythal? That is... I don't even know what to make of it,”  
“Neither do I,” mumbled Ellana “But Solas was furious about me doing it. He didn't believe in the Ancient Gods, he believed they existed but not that they were gods. Spirits maybe, or ancient mages. He was an idiot sometimes. A bigot,” she muttered and felt her throat tighten as she remembered their last physical meeting “... He erased my vallaslin,”  
“He did what?!” the heat in the Keepers voice was like dragon fire.  
“I allowed it. He... we where outside of Skyhold, just the two of us. He wanted to show me what I meant to him. He told me the vallaslins where slave marks. Ancient slave marks,” Ellanas voice grew in to little more then a whisper as she said it, glancing at her Keeper.  
“And you believe him,” the Keeper sighed looking with grief on Ellanas bare forehead  
“I did,” Ellana replied “Now.. I don't know. And I feel like an idiot for allowing him to remove it just like that. Anyway, he removed it and dumped me. And then he disappeared right after we had won the battle against Corypheus. So I don't know. He might just have been an idiot too,”  
She tried to shake it off, like a dog coming out of a cold pond, and paced the room tingling with frustration and emotions. Not daring to look her Keeper, and mentor, in the eye.   
“Dhalen,” the Keeper spoke after what felt like an eternity “Why do you not trust his words now? Because he left you and broke your heart, or are there other reasons? If he posseses such great knowledge like you spoke of in your letters, that your ambassador spoke of in hers, then why should we not believe it?”  
“I...I don't know,” Ellana answered frustrated with herself for not having a better answer “Varric say I might be seeing things that are not there, but... I have this feeling, in my core, that he did not tell me the whole truth. He knows too much, Keeper, there are things he had said that spin in my mind like bees around honey. Buzzing, telling me that something is not right. That he is not what he told me he was. That... that his knowledge might come from another source then memories from the fade,”  
“And what source would that be, dhalen? You are starting to talk in riddles,”  
“...” she grew silent, fearing the words she wanted to say but then she said them anyhow “If Mythal can have vessels in this world, what say that Fen'Herel can not? He always jumped to the Dread Wolfs defence, claming the Wolf to be misunderstood, misremembered, that he was a God of Rebellion, not a traitor. He said he was tired of fighting, that he had tried to teach his findings to others before but that they had called him a liar, a madman. Yet I have never heard of him before I met him. The more I think of it.. the more.. it fits.. with the story of Fen'Harel,”  
“This is... I do no know, dhalen,” the Keeper said with caution, making Ellana groan and quote the legend;  
“In ancient times, only Fen'Harel could walk without fear among both our gods and the Forgotten Ones, for although he is kin to the gods of the People, the Forgotten Ones knew of his cunning ways and saw him as one of their own. And that is how Fen'Harel tricked them. Our gods saw him as a brother, and they trusted him when he said that they must keep to the heavens while he arranged a truce. And the Forgotten Ones trusted him also when he said he would arrange for the defeat of our gods, if only the Forgotten Ones would return to the abyss for a time. They trusted Fen'Harel, and they were all of them betrayed. And FenHarel sealed them away so they could never again walk among the People. That is the story, is it not?”  
“Yes, it is but... dhalen, that is sketchy at best and to accuse someone of being Fen'Harel or his vessel...”  
“That is the story! I bet he would tell it in another way, Solas said plenty of time that he was tired of protecting us. That our Gods were merciless villains. Is that not what one might think Fen'Harel might have said? That he was protecting us, someone, them, who ever, by sealing the Gods of the People, and the Forgotten Ones, away? Solas grew furious when he learned that the Gray Wardens tried to find and kill archdemons, or old gods, to prevent future Blights! He grew angry at me when I did not banish them. He was raging when I drank from the well, when I bound myself to Mythal. I... there are so many little things, Keeper, I can not vocalize them all but... I am afraid,” she blurted out and felt a sudden drain of energy making her collapse onto her knees on the cold hard stone floor “I am afraid I fell in love with the Dread Wolf,”  
“Oh, dhalen,” the Keeper mumbled and embraced her first in a long warm hug “I doubt it. I think you should listen to your friends. Is that why you asked us here? For me to help you find the truth behind your fears?”  
“I need to know,” she whispered back “I need to be sure he is not going to do something to harm the world, or us,”  
“Of course,” the Keeper answered placing a kiss on Ellanas forehead “Of course, my child. I will help you. You wrote of a human mage, Morrigan? Is she here as well?”  
“Yes... yes, she has agreed to help,” the Inquisitor mumbled, feeling no bigger then when the first time she had accidently set an aravel on fire with her magic and the Keeper had comforted her and taken her under her wing “I need your help, I need your help so desperately,”  
“I will always be here to guide and mentor you, to lend my wisdom and knowledge. Such is the place of the Keeper,” Deshanna answered “And you will always be my First. My apprentice and ward, Ellana. No matter how many worlds you save, to me you will always be my pupil,”  
Ellana cried, tears of relief.   
She had not dared to imagine how safe she would feel with Keeper Deshanna here by her side. If the old woman said things were going to be all right Ellana would believe her to the core of her being. Her own judgement was sometimes lacking, but there was no one so wise as her Keeper.


	6. Chapter 6 - Winter is comming

It became easier when Keeper Deshanna and Morrigan began their research on her fears, like she could breath again. Knowing she was not alone with her thoughts made it easier to concentrate on other things, and being near her clan made it feel less lonely. Neris and Pellen, under strict orders from Varric she suspected, kept by her side almost all the time when she was at Skyhold and Cassandra and the others were very clear on the need of her presence outside in the world. Closing rifts and killing monsters.   
Cole kept her company at night in her quarters, keeping her talking and calm so she could sleep.   
Overall she almost felt normal for most of the time, even though she always took an extra look around Elven ruins hoping and fearing at the same time that she might find Solas there. She never did, of course, but she never stopped looking. 

Fall came to Skyhold, and Morrigan started to grow restless. Keeper Deshanna and the clan did as well. They all knew that if they did not leave before the first snow came, they would be stuck in Skyhold for the winter.   
One rainy night Felthon and Deshanna came to the Inquisitor with hesitant looks in their eyes. She frowned and muttered;  
“You are not my prisoners. If you want to go, go. I can not leave, not yet. Apparently I am still indispensable for the Inquisition,”  
“And still living in a dream,” Felthon muttered making her give him a cold glare.  
“Dhalen,” Deshanna sighed “You will always be indispensable for them. You are their leader. But we can not stay any longer. There is no knowledge I can give you that yourself and Morrigan has not learned yet. We need to go,”  
“So go,” Ellana growled and regretted her harsh tone the moment she saw the hurt in her Keepers eyes.  
She averted her eyes, not being able to look at them. She knew. She had known for weeks now that this was the case. Morrigan had in snide remarks and very harsh words said that there was nothing more they could do, and that she and Keiran had to move on. Ellana had ran out of excuses to keep them all here months ago really.   
But they were no closer to an answer to her questions. It was all interpretations and maybes. What ifs and could bee.   
“Of course you should go,” she mumbled biting her lip to keep the tears back “You have done all you can to help me, and more. I am grateful. I just don't want you to leave for selfish reasons,”  
“You should leave too,” Felthon said with a matter of fact voice “Sitting here all winter, mostly alone, will drive you mad,”  
“Maybe. But where would I go?” she asked staring up into the ceiling so she didn't have to look at them “I have no fancy winter palace like the shemlen nobles to retreat to. I can't go with you, for they will need me. I... I will stay here. Skyhold is my fortress,”  
“If you wanted to come with us, we would not stop you,” the warrior said, and she nodded.  
She knew. They would never deny her.   
“Erina shows promise,” she said, directing her voice to the Keeper “I think she would be a fine First for you, Deshanna,”  
Her voice was trembling. It had to be done. She was the one who had to say it. Deshanna would never do it, she would never do that to Ellana. The Keeper knew that it would break her First if she did it.  
“Ellana..” the Keeper started to protest but Ellana raised her hand and stopped her  
“Don't. I will be with the Inquisition until they do not need me any more. That day may not arrive before Falon'Din comes to guide me to whatever awaits us when we die, so it is only sensible that you get another First. I will have been away for too long to be their Keeper,”  
She finally looked at them. Felthon had a heavy but proud look in his eyes and the Keeper was one word away from crying. Ellana sighed, and continued;  
“I will make sure that you have supplies ready as soon as you wish, and I will be fine. We all know this is how it has to be. You will always be welcome to Skyhold. You will always be my clan, but Thedas need for me is greater right now then the clans. I will miss you,”  
“And we you, Inquisitor,” Felthon said.  
It was the first time he used the title for her, and he said it with deep respect. She forced a smile, hugged the Keeper, and then made up an excuse to get out of there. She hated goodbyes. She hated people leaving her. It uprooted all the things she thought was starting to heal.   
She escaped to the highest beam she could find in the ceiling of her quarters. Well hidden from anyone coming to find her. Well.. Anybody but Cole.  
She had barley made herself comfortable before he showed up in front of her.  
“They are leaving,” he said with a sad voice “But they will not forget you. Few forget you. You are not alone,”  
“I know. They have to leave,” she mumbled  
“They wish you could come with them. She wants no new First, even if she needs one. He is very proud of you for admitting you will not return,”  
She nodded, throat blocked with tears. So she nodded and wiped the tears that rolled from her eyes.  
“I will stay,” the boy told her “And Bull is staying, even though he hopes you will take us elsewhere for the winter. Nobody wants to leave you alone here,”  
“They all think I'll go mad if they do,” she mumbled.  
Indeed, she feared she would go mad if she was to spend the whole winter at Skyhold left without relief from her thoughts.  
“I will help you,” Cole said “If you don't want to go mad, I will help you not to,”  
He was cute, she thought. Compassion, through and through. She wished Solas would have had more of that... Then maybe he would have stayed?  
“He left because he did not want to hurt you. So I don't think more would have helped,”   
“You keep saying that,” she mumbled “But he did, didn't he? He was a fool if he truly believed leaving would not hurt me,”  
“Leaving hurt you less then it would have hurt you if he stayed. I think. That is what I remember him feeling,” the spirit answered and touched her leg in a comforting gesture.   
“It is so strange,” she mumbled “My whole life I have walked thinking I would never find anyone who I would feel so connected to. Even if we did not always agree it was like... He knew me. I knew him. There was no need for me acting tougher or stronger then I was, there was no need for him to guard himself around me. Like we belonged together. But I guess I did not know him. He didn't feel safe around me, never let his guard down like I thought,”  
Cole just looked at her. Unable to find any words that would make her feel better that he had not already said. There were words that would explain why she had felt like that, but he could not remember them.   
She wiped away one final tear and sighed;  
“I miss him. Every time I talked to Deshanna or Morrigan about the ancient elves all I could feel was how much I miss him. I don't care if he is the Dread Wolf. I just want him back,”  
“I know,” the spirit mumbled “But they say time heals, do they not?”  
“That they do,” she mumbled glancing Coles way “I hope they are right,”

A few weeks later, only days before the first day would fall, Inquisitor Lavellan and her followers closed Skyhold for the Winter, leaving for Caer Bronach. Josephine had finally gotten everything ready with the Bann so they could move their permanent forces into the fort near Crestwood without any diplomatic incidences.   
Lavellan felt a strange sting of sorrow as she turned back one last time and saw Skyhold, her Skyhold, disappear behind the mountains.   
It is just for the winter she thought It is just for the winter.


	7. Chapter 7 - Duty

The winter dragged on. Lavellan never had liked winter, and this one was even worse then usual. She went out as much as she could, dragging Ironbull and the others with her to every elven ruin she could sniff up or hunting for dragons or other dangerous creatures. She made an art of avoiding Josephine and their posher guests and only with great reluctance attended the noble events that she got herself invited to.   
Josephine did her best to try and balance her Inquisitors disdain for noble life and the demand that was presented by the elité for the Inquisitor to show up and be a part of said life.   
One particular evening the Ambassador was almost brought to tears when Lavellan for the fifth time declined to go to a party hosted by the Circle of Montsimmard hosted by Vivienne.  
The Inquisitor sighed deeply when she saw Josies despair and muttered;  
“She does this to torment you, you know that right? Vivienne despises me. I don't like her either. I think she is an over controlling untrustworthy bitch. Which you already know. Call her out on her game? I am not in the least moved by insulting her, I don't care what she thinks of me. I already know. You are the one being troubled, and she likes you. I thought she did, at least,”  
“It is not that simple, Inquisitor,” Josephine said with some bottled up frustration “Lady Vivienne may not like you, but you are the sole most powerful mage in Thedas. She can not allow people to see the rift between the two of you, it would be disaster for the reinstatement of the Circles and her personally,”  
Lavellan got a bit of a sadistic smile on her face, imaging Vivienne fretting about her approval. Josephine was not amused.  
“The Circles need Lady Vivienne right now, no matter your personal feelings on the institution. We want strong, secure and stable circles so Thedas can put the Magewar behind them,”  
“Leliana is going to abolish them,”  
“I know,” the ambassador said with much dislike “A foolish move, if you ask me. They could be reformed, with new purpose,”  
“Or maybe we aren't mad people running around killing people for fun more then ordinary people are,” Lavellan muttered and made the ambassador sigh deeply again “Fine. I will show up. I will talk nicely about how they can reform their little mage prison into an open place of learning. If it truly was as amazing as she claimed, then mages will flock to study there, no?”  
“Your sarcasm will need practice if that is going to even come close to sounding genuine,” Josephine mumbled but nodded “It would make my world so much easier if you would. I am simply out of excuses, and she do hold a very strong position within the court. We need the Orlesians to be our allies still, Inquisitor,”  
“I know,” Lavellan muttered with frustration in her tone “I know you need me to put on my mask and pretend to care about their foolish Game. Do not take me wrong, Josy, I care about the faith of Orleis, and the consequences of the Game. I just despise the way they do it. It is so.. frustrating,”  
“You are a warrior,” Josephine said as the true diplomate she was “Not a Bard. Everybody knows that, and yet you managed to play the Game so well you united Gaspard, Brialla and the Empress in their greatest time of need. If you just gave it a chance,”  
“I had to,” Lavellan interrupted “Since apparently the sky being ripped apart, an ancient darkspawn threatening the world and demons isn't enough to make them stop fussing about,”  
The ambassador smiled, she did find the Inquisitors way of saying things very amusing and clear sighted. Even if it made for poor politics.   
“I will train you to be more subtle before we leave for Montsimmard,” she concluded noting it in her papers “I promise you that when you get the hang of it you will notice it gets you to the goal you seek much faster then rolling your eyes and telling them they are idiots. Even if that is what they are,”  
Lavellan smiled, Josy had a talent for making her feel better about her lack of tact and give her hope that she might become less of a pain for the Ambassador someday without giving up on her ideals.  
“Thank you for not giving up on me,” she said and Josy smiled  
“I would never give up on you, Inquisitor. You are a great leader, and you care for Thedas in a way I wish most would. If that means I have to round off some sharp edges to help you get there, I will write apologies for the rest of my life if I need too. Oh, and tomorrow the Bann of Highever will arrive. Please tell me you will be here?”  
“Ehhh.. We were going to explore that new ruin the scouts found...” Lavellan said hesitantly but then sighed and muttered “But that can wait, I'm sure. I'll be here to greet the Bann,”  
“Lovely,” the Ambassador said “I think you need to inform Bull then, he is already preparing for the excursion you had planned,”  
Lavellan sighed and went to tell Bull the sad news. Their expedition to find at the least giant spiders to kill had been changed to a meet and greet with Fereldans finest. He was just as disappointed as she was. 

“But we were going to go camping and kill monsters,” he moped and she nodded with a sad grunt  
“I know, but I have to play hostess. I hate it. I want to kill things,”  
“You are a badass, boss,” he said with a small grin stemming from her comment “I have never met such a warrior like mage as you,”  
“Most mages aren't pent up with nobles and shem politics all day long,” she noted and got him laughing loudly “This is a healthy thing for me, Bull, do not laugh. I vent all my frustrations out on these poor monsters. It is therapy,”  
“I love you, boss,” he chuckled “Come, we can do Qunari venting sessions if you really want to,”  
She shook her head, smiling. Bull always cheered her up.  
“No thanks, I like to be able to walk tomorrow. And nor be bruised top to toe when I meet the Bann,”  
“Your loss. KREM!” Bull headed off to find Krem for some sparring.   
She watched him disappear to towards the barracks and kicked a rock started to walk back inside when she noted Varric heading towards the front gate. He looked sad, holding papers in his hands.   
“Varric! Has anything happened?” she asked walking up to him.  
He looked up, smiling the saddest smile he had ever given her and mumbled;  
“I just... Hawkes brother wrote me back finally. The letters I sent, after Adamant...”  
She felt her heart break a little for him.  
She wished she could had saved Hawke, that there was something she could do to bring her back. Seeing Varric suffer like this was horrible.  
“I am sorry,” she mumbled and he forced a better smile and patted her arm.  
“You did your best. It was not your fault. Hawke was... just horrible that way. Always going in to those impossible fights. I knew there would be one day she didn't walk away from the fight. I just... you know... Bad things happening to good people. It sucks,”  
“It does,” Lavellan agreed “If...if there is anything I can do, Varric,”  
“I know,” he mumbled “Maybe be my shield? Carver is heading this way and... for a Templar who spent most of his years groaning and moaning about Hawkes decisions and her general being he seems mighty upset. But then again... siblings are like that, aren't they?”  
“I wouldn't know,” she replied stroking his shoulders “Come, do you want to head up to my room? I have some nice brandy, and you can tell me stories about the Champion, or I can tell you stories, if you'd like that better,”  
He nodded, and followed her up to her room. She cared for Varric. He was a true friend, he always tried to help everybody else. In his own way. The least she could do was to return the favour.


	8. Chapter 8- The Last One Left Remembers

She poured him a large glass of brandy and a smaller one for herself and quickly lit the fireplace with a muttered incantation.  
He watched her, and then the flames, in silence sipping his brandy. She fetched a blanket and wrapped it around him.  
“I'm not dying, Lavellan,” he jested and she just smiled and leaned her forehead against his for a second.  
“I have terrible drafts in here,” she whispered and then said in a soft voice “So, do you want to talk, or should I?”  
“You talk, I think I'm just going to cry if I do,” he said with a sigh and she nodded and sat down near the fire.  
“I can tell you the story of Falon'Din and Dirthamen? Or maybe a funnier story, I could tell you about the time Nerris and Pallen almost got themselves banished from the clan for a prank the pulled on Felthon?”  
She could see a curious glint in the dwarfs eyes and she started to tell him the story. It was a long story to begin with, including a lot of lying from Nerris and Pallens part and them dragging her along as young little elves to 'improve' Felthons new bow with magic and engravings.  
He shook his head smiling and she poured him more brandy, chatting away about general life in the clan when he suddenly leaned forward and said, with deep curiosity;  
“I have never heard you mention your parents. What happened to them?”  
The Inquisitor froze for a second, swallowed a knot that formed in her throat and shrugged;  
“They died. When I was very young, really not a good story for cheering anyone up,”  
“It is funny,” the tipsy dwarf said looking at her with great intent “When you talk about the Clan, you get this warm tone in your voice. You soften, and I can believe the tales of you pulling pranks and being a child. Most of the time I wouldn't believe that. Something happened to you, something that made you hard as rock, and catious of strangers. I want to know... I want to figure you out, Lavellan,”  
She sighed and leaned back on her elbows;  
“I'll need to be a lot drunker if I'm going to tell you my sob stories, Varric,”  
“We have an entire winter morning to care for the hangover before you need to be respectable tomorrow,” he said and sighed looking at his yet again empty glass “Maker knows I want to get pissed,”  
“Fine,” she said “Stay here, I'll introduce you to some true elvhen drinking. I hope you can keep up,”  
She went down to the kitchen, leaving him with the last of the brandy and fetched a small field-pot for cooking, some halla milk she had been given by the people of Crestwood as a token of her welcome and a jar of honey. She also fetched another bottle of hard liquor, an elvish sort of whiskey mixed with honey and herbs.  
Varric looked suspicious when she came back and started to set up the pot in her fire place.  
“Milk? I don't drink milk, aren't that for babies?” he asked looking over her shoulder.  
She just smiled and continued the preparations;  
“Trust me,” she said “It will drive any little bit of winter coldness and sorrows away. Old elven trick,”  
“That is so much less mysterious then I imagine elven tricks to be,” he laughed “Lets warm some milk and mix it with booze, it will keep us warm and happy,”  
“It works,” she said gently warming the milk and mixing in the honey “Deshanna used to make me small doses after... well when I was having nightmares and stuff, even when I was little. A bit unorthodox even among Dalish, but it helped me sleep,”  
He glanced at her and sat down beside her on the floor, resting his back on the armchair behind him.  
“Do you remember them at all?”  
“Yes. Very well,” she sighed pouring the Mist, as they called the brew, into two mugs and passing him one of them.  
It was painful memories, memories she mostly tried not to think about.  
“They were nobody special. You need to know that I came into my magic early, so I spent probably more time with Deshanna then I ever spent with my Mother. Father was a hunter, like many others in the clan. Mother tended to the hallas and was good at healing mixtures and tending wounds. I loved them, very much. They were very kind, trusting people. They wanted to see the best in people,”  
Varric sipped on his Mist and his eyes was locked on her, listening intensly. She glanced into the fireplace and sighed deeply;  
“We were in a village, somewhere in the Free Marches I think, I was... about ten? Mother and Father had taken me along, after immense nagging from my part, to sell some furs and crafts. It was sunny, and I remember being really excited about the first rosebuds bursting into bloom along the road. They were mostly just enjoying spending some alone time with me I think. I rode his shoulders for part of the way, enjoying the view and pointing out mundane things. Being a child. They had told me, and I knew from my lessons, not to use magic around the Shemlens. That it might scare them and scared shems are dangerous. It was not a real problem, I mean it wasn't like I was spontaneously making things catch fire or anything. Then this man showed up. A big mean man in full armour. He barked at the merchant dealing with my dad that he shouldn't trade with filth like us, called my Mother a knifeared whore. Dad tried to just ignore him, get the deal done and be on our way I guess... but... I was a fool already back then... A proud big mouthed fool,”  
She closed her eyes trying to mask some of the pain from the memory and drank more Mist to make it easier. It was like a warm burning velvet running down her throat, but it didn't erase the mental pictures that flashed in her minds eye.  
Varric was quiet, engulfed in her story, slowly sipping away on his own mug.  
“I spat on him, kicked his calf and told him that if he wasn't careful I would set the Dread Wolf on him,” she continued with a sad chuckle “He smacked me across the face so hard I flew several feet and landed in the mud. Mother rushed to my side, begging him to forgive me and scolding me for being rude. Father tried to diffuse the situation as well, but the shem just continued to hurl insults at us. He hit my mother so hard her nose broke, and I snapped. I set him on fire. One harsh word, and he was ablaze. I don't even think it was an incantation I said, just the share rage in me made me able to do it. After that it was just chaos. Shems everywhere, I got separated from my parents, scared out of my wits both of the shems and of what I had just done. I just remember hearing my parents screaming, mother screaming I had to run. Get the back to the Clan. So I did that. I ran. I don't even know how I got out of the village, or how I managed to run all the way back without collapsing. I thought they were right behind me, I really did. They weren't,”  
She gritted her teeth and gulped down the last of the mug pouring up more for herself.  
“The hunters went out when they saw me coming back alone and hysterical. It took until I got my vallaslin until they told me what really happened in the village, to my parents. When they came back that night all I got told was to make myself ready to move one fast, and that my parents were dead. The shems had killed them,”  
“... What did happen?”  
“Well... They did kill them,” she mumbled “Burned Mother at the stake for being a witch, and Father they ran a pole through and sat him up to die by their lords mansion. As an example of what happened to rowdy elves. The lord survived the burns, scarred for life but survived,”  
“Is he still alive?”  
“I don't know. We never went back to those parts again. I tried to leave to get revenge when I learned about it, but Deshanna always came up with a task for me to do that kept me from doing so... The last time she sent me to Haven, to try and find out what the Conclave would mean for us. I guess it didn't turn out as she expected, huh?”  
Varric looked at her with wide eyes and let out a low whisle;  
“... You were in haven because your Keeper didn't want you to go and kill some Free Masher Lord that killed your parents?”  
“Yep. Magical accidents and innocents dying for me fiddling with magic I can't control seems to be a repeating thing in my life,” she mumbled and chugged her Mist in one go “I... Never really let my guard down outside the Clan after that. I didn't want to get anyone else in trouble, or killed,”  
“...Understandable,” he mumbled and reached for the Mist filling his own cup “And you were right, it was not a good story to cheer me up... Shit... It just made me think of Hawkes mum. I... Shit... Poor Carver... He has no family left now,”  
“What happened to Hawkes mother?”  
“A crazed necromancer killed her to use her head for reconstructing his own undead wife,” Varric said through gritted teeth “It almost destroyed Hawke, we were investigating women disappearing almost a year earlier but found nobody and... gosh.. We could at the most been an hour, maybe half an hour too late to save Leandra. She was such a wonderful woman... She was the glue in their family, without her... They just fell apart. Carver blamed Hawke for not being able to save her. Hawke blamed Hawke for not being able to save her. I think it was one of the greater tragedies in Hawkes life, that and trusting Anders,”  
He sighed deeply and followed her example chugging the mug, wiping his mouth afterwards mumbling;  
“This is great stuff. Tastes like a warm honey filled blanket wrapping itself around your innards,”  
“I know,” she mumbled and curled up next to him resting her back against the armchair as well “Why is it always the good ones who die such horrible deaths? Fuck... Corypheus, Samson, Florian, all these shitheads that just torment the world they die relatively quickly. But good people, like Leandra, Hawke, my parents... they get tortured or maimed in the worst of ways... It is not freaking fair,”  
“It is shit,” Varric mumbled “And people who doesn't get love they marry and stay together for ever but... we... we are stuck never to be with the ones we truly devoted our whole hearts to,”  
Lavellan nodded and put her arm around the dwarf pulling him into a gentle hug;  
“Fuck the universe, it owes us. Treats us like crap, we keep saving it anyway,” she mumbled and Varric chuckled a bit raising a toast;  
“To us, and to saving the world even when it treats us as shit,”  
Lavellan nodded and answered his toast;  
“To us, and may the world catch on and frekking change before we tire of saving it,”

A few hours later Cullen and Josephine sneaked into the Inquisitors room, looking for their leader and the dwarf, finding them and a pot of hard burned milk brew sleeping like drunk clubbed bear cubs on the floor surrounded by scraps of paper showing beginnings of texts, songs and poems. Mostly about the world being crap and an elf and a dwarf being great.


	9. Chapter 9 - A Guest Arrives

There was an immense power within her. Land was swiping by behind her, and as she stretched her wings she felt an incredible sensation of absolute freedom within. Her chest burned with the crackling electricity that was her power and she roared as she soared higher up in the sky and let the feeling of the cool rain filled air against her scales.  
These were her lands, her domain.   
She would look over it, care for it.   
She sat down on the side of a mountain, taking in the view. The valley where the lake was situated, the dam and the fortress and village above that. It felt good being like this again. Like she had been stuffed into something far to small for awhile without the ability to stretch out.   
I should make sure Skyhold is fine, she thought and took off towards the Frostbacks.   
The snow and mountains was minor obstacles when one was this big and could fly.   
It was strange, she had assumed she would have to look around for quite a bit to find the Keep but as she came closer it felt like she had done this a million times before.  
Skyhold looked different in the Fade. Brighter, and she knew it felt her approaching. She paused for a moment, looking at it and waiting for something. She did not know what.   
Then a warm welcoming feeling gave her permission to land.   
She smiled, taking that small form again so she would not hurt the keep, and slowly walked the empty halls with her hands lovingly caressing the walls.  
It was such a strange place in the Fade. Layers on layers of memories and thoughts lingered making it all appear a bit blurry, and underneath all its history she could feel the Keep itself. Waiting, ever present and absolute in a changing world.   
“It is only for the Winter,” she said in a dreamy voice “I will return. You will guard us once more, we just needed to be in reach for runners during the winter,”  
It understood, but she felt some relief for the reassurance. It had guarded nothing for so long, it did enjoyed guarding something with purpose again.  
She smiled and stroke another wall, the Keep truly felt like an old friend. She would never abandon it, not for as long as she lived.   
She was heading out towards the garden when she felt a strong tug within herself and the world swooshed by like she was in an instant pulled back to Crestwood and her body. She growled in frustration, but did not fight it. 

Lavellan woke up, nursing one of the worsts hangovers she had felt for a decade. Cassandra was glaring down on her, and she felt a bit bruised on her arm. Like the Seeker had slapped her, hard.  
“So, you are awake now?” the Seeker said with a disgruntled voice “I will show no sympathy. You have things to do today, Inquisitor,”  
Lavellan groaned and rolled over, leaning her head over the edge of the bed.  
She didn't even remember going to bed. The last thing she knew she had been a dragon, and at Skyhold. No... no that was the dream. The last real thing she remembered was Varric making a very bad rhyme about nuggs. It had been hillarious.   
“Oh Sylaise, show me mercy,” she mumbled feeling her stomach trying to turn itself inside out and her head throbbing like someone had gone at it with a warhammer.  
“Up you go,” the Seeker said merciless and pulled her Inquisitor out of bed.  
“Where is Varric?” Lavellan mumbled and looked around her room “Varric was here, rhyming about nuggs,”  
“The dwarf is in his own quarters. Being punished by himself just as you are,” Cassandra replied scowling at Lavellan who stumbled to her washstand and put her head into the cold water the servants had provided.  
It made it better, for a moment or two.  
“What time is it?” she groaned, still under the disapproving scrutiny of her Navarran friend.  
“Almost noon. The Bann will arrive in a few hours, so get yourself presentable. I will be in the courtyard, and if you go back to sleep I will come back and throw you in the lake,” Cassandra noted and left.  
Lavellan watcher her leave fully believing it was no joke.   
She pulled on her finest clothes, all put by her dresser by some very silent servant that had prepared the room for her waking up a few hours earlier. The window was open, letting the cold winter air in making it impossible to return to sleep and she guessed also had let out the smell of alcohol and burned milk long ago.   
She washed her face again and fought the sensation of nausea as she ventured, looking for Dorian. She found him in the tower overlooking the lake, watching the skies for something.  
“Dorian,” she moaned and joined him “I need you to freeze me,”  
The Tevinter glanced at her, obviously amused by her poor state.   
“In a moment, Inquisitor,” he mused and turned his eyes over the lake again “You and Bull killed the dragon even before Corypheus, am I right?”  
“Yes. Yes we killed the Crestwood dragon... please just freeze me so I can shock my body out of this hangover,”  
“Funny thing,” the Tevinter mumbled and half-heartedly threw a winters grasp on her making her skin blissfully covered with frost.   
It felt much better, her brain jolted awake by the cold.  
“Funny thing? Yes, he thinks so. What? Did he ask you to cast lightning spells on him in bed last night, to pretend you were a dragon?” she asked trying to see what he was looking for.  
Dorian laughed, a short genuine laugh and shook his head;  
“No, but I will try that next time. No, I just.. can swear I heard a dragon in the early morning ours. It awoke me, but nobody else seems to have heard it,”  
“Well, if you find it, make a date out of it,” she suggested leaning against the battlements “Bull really likes killing dragons,”  
“They are sacred to Qunari,” Dorian noted, and she nodded.  
Bull had told her that much. It was not so strange, dragons were impressive beings. She felt deep respect for them as well, but sadly their nature made it impossible to have them in settled areas. After all, no matter how impressive, they were still beasts.   
“Will you be able to meet the Bann without puking on his shoes?” Dorian asked, watching her now rather then the landscape infront of them.  
“Yes, I just need to try and eat something fatty and rinse my mouth a million times,” she answered  
“Mighty unworthy of you to go and get pissed after Josy asked you to be presentable,” he noted and she sighed;  
“Varric needed a friend and... It was stupid. We just... got carried away and I should apologize, right?”  
“You should, possibly by being on your best behaviour. Maybe buy her something nice when you are in Montsimmard?”  
“Oh god I will be thankful if I survive Montsimmard...” she groaned “Vivienne will be horrid, as always,”  
Dorian looked amused, and said nothing for a moment but then chuckled as she scowled at him.  
“You two are too much alike to see it,”  
“Me and Josy?”  
“Maker, no. No our poor Josy is far too well mannered to be compared to you,” he grinned “Vivienne and you. Don't glare like that, it is true. Two wills hard as metal, locked in their own position and unwilling to yield. If you had been raised together you would be a duo. Now you are rivals,”   
She scoffed and his grin grew larger;  
“Look, even that disapproving scowl. It is really funny, you know,”  
“It is not, and you are horrible,” she muttered and walked away from him with her hands in the air.   
He chuckled, as always, and continued to keep an eye at the sky. Lavellan on the other hand went to make up for the headaches she might have caused Josephine.   
Cullen gave her strange mixed looks all day. Disapproving but amused, but he said nothing. Josephine, being a sweetheart as ever, sighed and said all was well as long as the Inquisitor was ready to meet her guests as they arrived.   
The Bann of Highever arrived in the late afternoon, along with his teynir, Fergus Cousland. Josephine looked like she was going to throw a fit when she got news of their unannounced guest and Lavellan sighed;  
“Stop fretting. Please. You are making me feel even worse. I'll handle it,”  
And she left her ambassador to deal with dinner arrangements while she met up with their guests in the courtyard. She knew a little about him, not all the heraldry and noble know-how Josephine talked about was forgotten the second Lavellan left the room.  
He had lost his wife and son, and the rest of the family as well when Howe betrayed the Couslands in the beginning of the Fifth Blight. A good man over all, from what she knew.   
It puzzled her why he had not announced his plans to come though...   
He was tall, built like a warrior and was just handing over his horse to her people when she came outside, and he spotted her within a second. She gave him a quick nod and approached, a bit uncertain about how their ranks played at the moment.   
“Teynir Cousland,” she said giving him a short bow and he returned it saying;  
“Inquisitor Lavellan. I apologize for the deception, but I did not want my enemies to know I was on the move,”  
“I suspected something like that,” she replied “My diplomats have talked far too good about you for me to expect you to show up without allowing us time to prepare otherwise,”  
He smiled, and measured her with his gaze. She allowed it, almost all new persons she met did that nowadays.  
“I am sorry for staring,” he said when he realized she was waiting for him to stop “I have just heard so much about you,”  
“Nothing to apologize for,” she noted “May I invite you inside? The clouds speak of snow, soon,”  
He nodded and followed her inside the fortress, into the warmth.   
“So who is following you?” she asked as a servant took his cloak and she showed him towards the war room.   
“I don't know,” he replied “But a few weeks ago there was a failed attempt on my life. My own inquiries has yielded no results, so I come to the Inquisition for aid,”  
“Huh,” she replied glancing at him “Why not the Crown?”  
He gave her a small smile, as if he was impressed that she caught on so fast.   
“I can not rule out that Queen Anora is not the one wishing me dead,” he noted “I... objected to her giving the city of Amaranthine to the Wardens, as well as Vigils Keep and truth be told... We have never been on good terms, not since she pushed my sister down a well,”  
“The Queen pushed your sister down a well?”  
“Well they were five, but still,” he said with a sigh “And she claimed my sister punched her first. Which sounds like my sister, but... Well... it says something about a girl when she does that,”  
“I imagine it does,” Lavellan mumbled unsure of what to say.   
“It can be the Wardens as well,” he said glancing at her.  
She was after all the one who allowed the Wardens to stay in southern Fereldan.   
“If it is they will be brought to justice like anybody else,” she replied and introduced him to Cullen and Josephine.  
Then she left the politics to them, drifting in and out while trying to look like she was alert and to not say anything that was completely unrelated to the present topic. It was hard, she couldn't care less about his issues with someone holding a grudge and she disliked that he came her to ask them to sort it out for him. They would help though, because he was important. She wondered if the same eagerness had been there if he had been a farmer, or an elf. Justice should not hang on your status, it was supposed to be universal.  
She realized she had to think about that. What she could demand from the teynir for their help. There was always something he could do for them in return. Something that would be good for all in the long run.


	10. Chapter 10 - What is Lost Will be Found

She was possibly aching with the need to move when Josephine finally gave her the clearance to leave for the excursion with Ironbull to the elven ruin. They set off early the very morning the teynir had gotten the reassurance he needed that the Inquisition would provide protection and justice for him, off into the wood lands.  
Her halla strode easily through the snow clad woods of Fereldan and Bull, Varric and Dorian followed on their own mounts.  
The air was crisp, the sun glittered through the woodwork reflecting in the crystals of the pure white snow. Lavellan felt like singing for a moment, finally out and free to do what she wanted to most. Search for Solas.  
She knew her only way of finding him, or finding out what he was up to was to search out elven ruins and try and get confirmation of what or who he was. To find out what his next plan of action was. 

It took them almost two days to reach the ruins their scouts had reported and as they arrived she heard Bull whistle in awe of what they saw.  
It was like a temple of ice at this point, located high up on a mountain, overgrown and retaken by the forest centuries ago and now also covered with a good meter of snow. Lavellan sighed and dismounted her halla, leading it by the reins into the ruin.  
She could feel the magic within the place, the memories. Dorian shrugged as he entered, mumbling;  
“The veil is thin here. I can practically feel the magic on my skin. Maybe we should find a site nearby for a camp? I don't feel like waking up serenaded by demons in the middle of the night. And there will be demons, won't it Lavellan? There are always demons in these places,”  
“I would worry more about the spiders,” she mumbled, squatted near a 50 foot statue of El'gharnan trying to read the inscription “This is holy ground, and this plaque say no unworthy will be blessed by the light if they enter. I guess you guys should stay here, while I checkout if the wards are still active,”  
“And let you go in alone in the old magical elven temple?” Dorian scoffed and groaned as she nodded fully serious “We can not do that, Josephine would have Cullen flail me if we come back with you eaten by some demon,”  
Lavellan smiled, appreciating his concern. Bull and Varric looked as they agreed with the Tevinters protest but she would be safe. She knew it.  
It was like a song inside her, soft whispers of ages past, telling her she was worthy.  
“I will be safe,” she said softly, stroking the base of the statue somewhat lost to the sensations inside of her “They know me,”  
“Well, that isn't ominous,” Dorian muttered to Varric who sighed;  
“Sparky, this sounds like an idiotic plan. We have no idea what lies in there, you really should not go alone,”  
“I agree,” Bull mumbled “Dorian is right, there are always demons in these places,”  
She waved her hand at them and their concerns, and without realizing it herself softly replied;  
“It will be fine. I'll just leave some food out for the spiders and set up some wards to be absolutely sure. But no one in there will be allowed to hurt me. They want me to come and see,”  
“Well that settle it then?” Dorian argued in his characteristic sarcastic tone “The spirits of the place, most likely demons, tell you that they won't hurt you so that is all fine and dandy then? Listen to yourself,”  
A sudden irritation fell over her and she snarled back;  
“As if one of Tevinter would know of the treasures and wisdom of the places we locked away from you,”  
Her friends fell quiet, watching her with growing worry and Varric slowly approached;  
“Sparky? Are you still here? Oh please do not be possessed by some old cranky elven guardian or something. Curly will kill us...”  
She shook her head, trying to clear out and separate the temples spirits from her own mind and muttered;  
“I am here, they just.. don't like shemlens here. It will not be safe for any of you in there. Stay here, I need to do this,”  
And then, before they could stop her, she adjusted the rucksack with her essentials and went inside. She could feel the magical barrier within the large doorway as she passed through it, and a bright golden flash sealed it again once she was through. She could see the others on the other side, they did not try to follow her. 

There was only the echo of her footsteps on the frozen marble floor, the air was cold, still and almost brittle and the only movement she could detect was the clouds of mist forming from her breaths. Time seemed to seize in here, and her whole being shivered in anticipation and awe as she walked down a corridor big enough to fit a city block within.  
The further she ventured into this temple, the more she realized that nature had not reclaimed it as her thought had been. It had simply covered it, hid this jewel of elvhen history from the world.  
Until now.  
The voices from the well, which had been silent for months now, whispered to her about thing she did not fully grasp. Ancient things, things that she felt like she should now but did not. Forgotten things.  
The corridor opened up in a hall, big as the market squares of Val Royeaux, and she figured that she had to be inside the mountain now. Large almost pristine columns stretched up into the vaulted ceiling and she could still see remnants of a battle haven been fought here. No bodies though. Just subtle hints like scars in the stone.  
In silence she walked up to a fountain that was in the middle of the room, staring at the statue of the elven phantanons standing in its middle. She knelt by it, out of pure instinct and in a mumbled tone sang to herself, and all the spirits around her; 

_Heruamin lotirien_  
_Alai uethri maeria_  
_Halurocon yalei nam bahna_  
_Dolin nereba maome_  
_Ame amin_  
_Halai lothi amin_  
_Aloamin Heruamin_  
_Heruamin oh lonai_  
_Imwe naine beriole_  
_Ame amin_  
_Halai lothi amin_  
_Aloamin Heruamin_  
_Ame amin_  
_Halai lothi amin_  
_Noamin_  
_Ame amin_  
_Halai lothi amin_  
_Noamin Heruamin_

She had heard Mayrden sing the song many times at Skyhold, but it was first now, here, that it made sense. She wondered where the minstrel had come up with it, and if it was just chance, or something bigger that had guided those words to her mind.  
The spirits remained calm, curious but holding their distance. She suspected they did not see her as elvhen. Much like Abelas had not seen her as elvhen when she came to the temple of Mythal. It felt like they were expecting her to do something, but she could not figure out what.  
As she rose her eyes caught something strange upon the floor leading down a much narrower corridor. Footprints in the frost. She knelt by them to investigate and felt a strange knot in her stomach. Who else could have been here? Who else would be accepted to enter? Abelas maybe? She had not seen nor heard from the Guardian and the few of his men that had survived since the battle in the Arbror wilds. Maybe he had come here?  
Her instincts told her no. That it was someone else. A trespasser.  
But who could trespass in here? The defences was very much still active and powerful. She knew that. The voices from the well knew that.  
She took up the chase on who ever had left these footprints, down the corridor, fearing and hoping at the same time that it was him. That she finally would have caught up. At first she walked in a steady pace, but soon she was running, almost fearing he would elope her once more.  
Through halls that had stood silent for a millennia or more, past artefacts and remains of her peoples lost world, she ran chasing the hope of who she would find.  
She only stopped as she on the point of exhaustion came to the end of her trail. A small round room far into the complex where she could see the remains of a fireplace, not a week old, and the chalk drawings of wards. Right outside she could see what was left of some food set out for the spiders.  
Tears of frustration stung her frozen face and a wounded hollow sound found its way up her throat as she sailed down to her knees succumbing to the pain of utter disappointment.  
He was not here any more. He was gone. If it had not been for that stupid teynir maybe, just maybe she would have gotten here in time.  
“It is not fair,” she whispered to the frozen walls “It is not fair...”  
She closed her eyes feeling the spirits from the well pull at her. Telling her something, that she too should dream in this room. It felt important, and in a wild dash of hope she thought that maybe, just maybe she could catch a glimpse of his memories in here. It was better then nothing, a small piece of him.  
_Just imitate his ritual_ she thought to herself, studying the wards he had made and placing the spider offering where he had put it, _Just relax and do what he did. You are welcome here, the spirits will welcome you. Remember what he said, there are spirits willing to pass knowledge on if you just behave and don't try and force them against their will._  
She wished she had the others with her. Going into the fade in this place would feel a lot safer if she had her friends near by, ready to defend her sleeping body from spiders and eventual demons. That was not the case though, so she would have to make by without them. It should not be that hard, right? Solas had done it for years, alone.  
_Well, Solas, was probably the Dread Wolf as well, she thought to herself as she arranged her bedroll to be as comfy as possible, You are just Ellana Lavellan. A vessel of Mythal, sure, but still just a mage elf. Not the Dread Wolf. Not a God._


	11. Chapter 11 - A Message Left By a Wolf to a Dragon

As she left her body sleeping behind the wards she could feel the spirits gather around her, peering at her with curiosity and wonder. She watched them, hesitant at first but then stepped outside her safe place and allowed them to show her their stories.  
There was so many things they had to speak about, names that had been lost and memories not known for eons that they wanted to share. She listened, indulged them as she walked down the hallway, watching it in its former glory.   
The spirit of an elf approached her, proud in his posture and ignoring the other spirits.  
“You,” he said in ancient elfish and the voices within her stirred up, telling her his name.  
Uth'then, forever awake. A guardian of this place, never to departure.  
“Andaran atish’an,” the guardian said watching her for a moment “You are different then those who came before you. You light the Fade as a beacon, and still you stand here with the whispers of eons past within you. What it is She seeks, our Great Protector?”   
Ellana could feel the power flowing from him, she knew through the Well that he was to be treated with care.   
“I seek knowledge,” she said and he nodded  
“It is what we hold. But you do now know that. Many things has stumbled through my gates in ages past. I know of the fall of the people. I know of the loss of our past. What knowledge can I give you, that you will be able to comprehend?”  
“Has the Wolf been here?” she asked and he flinched.  
She was not aware spirits could flinch.  
“The code is set,” he answered, warily, “I do not speak in the quarrels of the outside world. If there is a Wolf you are hunting, I can not tell you whether or not it has been here. This is a place outside of the conflicts of the world. A place of knowledge, and memory,”  
“I saw tracks of another,” she said “Gone since a week I think. Was the Wolf here? Has Solas walked this realm, recently?”  
“I can not answer,” the guardian replied “Is there anything else you seek?”  
She sighed and felt her energy drain. No. No there wasn't anything else she sought. Everything else was just distractions, things to keep her occupied and sane.  
“Tell him, I mean him no harm,” she whispered “I will... wander the halls for tonight. And learn. Much has been lost, indeed, but much can also be reclaimed. Ma serannas, Uth'then,”  
“Ma nuvenin, dirthara-ma,” the Guardian said and stepped aside.  
It sounded strange to her, hearing that term used as anything but a curse. But she knew what he meant. He wished for her to learn, as was the purpose of this place. To hold the memories.   
A last desperate measure to preserve elven culture, a magical temple. Placed outside of the quarrels of the mortal world, even those of the Gods. A place to observe, record and remember.   
Of course he would come here. He must love this place, with all the spirits just longing for someone to share their knowledge with.   
She sighed and sat down on the side of the fountain in the main hall, gazing upon the former glory of her people, feeling utterly alone.  
She loved her friends, her companions and advisers. But they could not understand. Not like he did. Had. Not like he had.   
She closed her eyes, and with a small push of power she could see him when she opened them again.  
Those deep thoughtful eyes watching her, that sudden so loveable smile when he got excited or remembered some nice time in the fade. His touch.  
A small spirit approached her image of him, watching it closely and then whispered into it. Her memory began to turn and the for a moment she was to strike it down, but then it spoke;

“No longer mourn for me when I am gone.  
When the Sky is healed and the key is sundered.  
A last word I left to you,  
A last line I write in this temple of truths  
If you seek it out hunting for love lost  
My only wish for you  
Is that you remember me not.  
Do not whisper my name into the darkness  
Let your love steadily die.  
Ma vhenan   
Let not memory mock you with the what ifs that we lost”

The image of him flickered, and was gone. She trembled, emotions rushing through her unhindered and roaring like wildfire.  
Was this just her, her imagination, or had he foreseen her coming here and left her a message? Another message telling her to forget him.  
A burning rage awoke in her chest. Who did he think he was? He could not expect her to just walk away. To forget. He owed her more then that. He owed her an explanation.   
She demanded an explanation, the true reason for his actions. She demanded to know who he was, and what he was planning.  
“No such answers will be found here,” Uth'then said suddenly appearing beside her “Nor will he be. Head his word, and wake up,”

She jolted awake, tears freezing on her cheeks and a layer of frost covering her cloths and hair. Her heart was heavy, and her mind dark with thoughts and longing.   
“Solas, ma emma lath,” she whispered and rose from her bedroll.  
It didn't matter what she felt, or what he said. She could not allow these questions to remain. She could not forget, and she did not accept defeat.   
She packed up her things and cleaned up after the spiders snack time during the night, and as she swiped up some left overs they had not eaten a small glittering item caught her gaze. She picked it up and hissed. It a clasp from his clothing. She knew it. She could practically feel the remnants of him on it. It wasn't even cold. She darted back, seeing paw prints in the snow leading towards the gateway. She could see the others, still unhappily awaiting her return and before any of them could say a word to her when she passed through the gate again she growled;  
“Where is he!?”  
“Who?” they asked and she pushed past them, still following the paw prints  
“He just walked right past you? Oh you...” she snarled and made an almost animalistic growl as Bull lifted her off the ground.  
“You are acting crazy, boss,” he said and sighed “Who sneaked passed us?”  
“Solas,” she said through clinched jaws forcing herself to calm down “He... It must have been him. I found this clasp, and there were paw prints that I didn't see as I entered,”  
“Give me a moment,” Dorian said cocking his head to the side “You found this clasp, an ordinary clothing clasp, and saw some paw prints and now you think Solas was there with you? We should probably get you home. I knew of sunstroke, is it possible to get coldstroke? I think you just have...”  
“Sparky, please,” Varric pleaded to her and she kicked a lump of snow so hard that it shattered and flew everywhere around them.  
“I hate this,” she growled “He keeps being ahead of me. He... I will find you! I don't care if you can hear me! I will find you! I will.. I will make you understand!”  
“And now she is talking to the thin air, yes, we should really get her home,” Dorian muttered to Bull who nodded with a concerned look at his face.   
Varric sighed and put a hand on her arm, a quick silent show of compassion.  
She didn't want compassion nor pity. She wanted Solas, and to wrap her hands around his neck until he said he was sorry. Or just... included her.


	12. Chapter 12 - With Friends Like You

A month had passed since the temple. She was glaring at the gates of Montsimmards circle and felt Varric nudge her forward.  
“It won't go away because you glare,” he noted and she sighed deeply, moving with him and Josephine to the gates.  
Everyone was now fairly certain she needed to be distracted from anything regarding Solas. She had found Varric, Dorian and Ironbull going on their own exploring ruins 'because they didn't want to make her upset, like last time' or 'because those spirits seem to get to you'. She found it infuriating. How was she supposed to find him, if they didn't let her look for him?  
And now the dreaded day had come. She was to play nice with Vivienne, for the gain of the Inquisition, as promised.   
Josephine seemed genuine in her smile as Madame de Fer met them in the great hall of her Circle. Lavellans could at best be described as forced. Some would even hesitate to call it a smile, more like a grimace.   
“Josephine, Varric, how lovly to see you!” Vivienne mused and gave Josy a hug, then she looked at Lavellan and just smiled that patronizing smile Lavellan hated, “Inquisitor, how nice of you to come a long,”  
Lavellan blinked, focused all her willpower and kept the 'smile' while saying;  
“Oh, I could not possibly do anything else when you so kindly invited me,”  
“What the Inquisitor means is that she is delighted to see you again,” Josephine intervened and Viviennes eyebrow rose a millimetre as her smiled got more evil.  
“I am sure she was delighted to hear from me,” she purred and Lavellan wanted to smack the grin of her face and leave.  
She didn't. She had promised Josephine not to.  
“I was,” she replied like she was forced to ingest poison with every word “You had business you wanted to discuss?”  
“I do, but first, please let me show you around our Circle,” Vivianne said and turned around, clicking her fingers summoning the Inquisitor as if she was a dog.  
Lavellan looked at Josy and Varric in disbelief, asking with her eyes if she was expected to take that kind of treatment.  
Their eyes told her, yes. She growled and followed Vivienne listening to her endless praise of the Circle of Magi. Lavellan tried not to say much at all. Fearing she would snap and chew Viviennes head off if she opened her mouth. 

They turned a corner, out of one of the libraries, and came into a great hall. Full of people. People dressed to impress.  
Lavellan was still in her travel gear and armour. She glared at Vivienne, who looked just as pleased as a mouse who had trapped her mouse after a nice playtime.   
“Oh, and a few friends came by, they were just dying to meet you and discuss the developments in Thedas now that Corypheus is dealt with,” Vivienne mused and Lavellan sighed, putting on her best game face.  
It was one thing she hated more then Vivienne, and that was Orleisan politicians.   
“Of course, dear,” she said putting on a much better fake smile this time, “It will be lovely to hear what they all have to say,”  
It was a torturous five hours that followed, but Josephine said she was impressed by how well the Inquisitor handled it, and that she had been very diplomatic and many were impressed by her afterwards. Lavellan was impressed by herself too, she had not snapped nor rolled her eyes at one noble this whole time.   
Vivienne insisted to show the Inquisitor to her room herself, saying they had more to discuss. Lavellan couldn't refuse, so she didn't. As they walked up even more stairs Vivienne said;  
“I have a gift for you, my dear,”  
Lavellan rolled her eyes behind Viviennes back and muttered;  
“That you will stop speaking to me as if I was a child?”  
“No, not until you stop behaving like one,” Vivienne rebutted and continued “You are a powerful woman now. It is time for you to start acting like one, you and your Inquisition will lose much of you being your brash and terribly rude self,”  
“I am so sorry,” Lavellan muttered with deep sarcasm “Not everybody is the bundle of hospitality and vile deception as you are, Madame de Fer,”  
Vivienne stopped and turned around, glaring down at Lavellan,  
“That was uncalled for. I have no real spite against you, if I had you would be on the bottom of some river by now,”  
“Really?” Lavellan growled and pressed passed the mage and upwards “That gift isn't a shove out the window then? I came here because Josy forced me, you know that. Lets get this done. I have things to do, that does not include eating snails,”  
Vivienne sighed and walked the rest of the way in silence, leading Lavellan to what she guessed was Viviennes private study. It was elegant, a bit overly prestigious in its décor for Lavellans taste but she expected no less from Vivienne.  
Vivienne closed the door behind them and went behind her desk, it almost formed a mental barrier between them. Her eyes were hard to read, but not as cold as usual.  
“Josephine say you have been hunting for Solas. She is worried about your mind,” Vivienne said and the Inquisitor felt every guard she had go up in an instant.  
“I doubt she said it like that,” she muttered and sat down in an armchair uninvited “But so? You care even less for him then for me, no?”  
“I think he is dangerous. I think he hid who he was from the Inquisiton for some kind of purpose. I was even more sure of that when he left without taking you with him. That was what I had thought would happen. Hoped would happen,”  
“That he and I would disappear and you would never have to deal with us again? Yes that would have been nice,” Lavellan said, still suspicious “What about it? He is gone. He doesn't want to be found and do not take me for some vain woman who hunts for him just because he dumped me,”  
“I don't,” Vivienne said with a small smirk “Maybe I would expect you to hunt him down to have the joy of killing him yourself for toying with your heart, but you are far too busy and prideful to do that. No. I believe, that you, like me, think he had something to do with why the Breach appeared in the first place. That he is not what he said and seemed to be. And I will give you so much as to acknowledge that your search for knowledge and want for it is admirable. You despise an unsolved riddle almost as much as you despise being fooled, and he has fooled you and left you with out answers. Of course you hunt him down,”  
“I didn't mend the Breach and get thrust into human politics and your pathetic Chantry just to have him undo it all on a whim,” Lavellan muttered and Vivienne nodded.  
“I understand it must be frustrating for you, it is for us all, that you can not retreat into the life of a Dalish,”  
A moment of silence fell. The two women watched each other, both finding it strange that they seemed to agree on most things but still felt so much resentment against each other.  
“I have located a tome for you,” Vivienne said after that moment “It is an ancient elven one, it talks about Fen'Heral in a way I do not recognize,”  
“Mighty read up on elven gods are you?” Lavellan scoffed and Vivienne rolled her eyes at the Inquisitor,  
“No, but it was difficult not to learn something being surrounded by you, Solas and Morrigan for almost a year,” she snarled “I am offering it to you, as a token of my friendship,”  
“Friendship? Isn't that a bit of a strong word for what we have?” Lavellan asked waiting for the catch in this deal.  
Vivienne shrugged and sat down, surprisingly slouched in her own chair.  
“Maybe. I have watched you closely though. You will be stuck with human politics for the rest of your life, and I have not forgotten that you helped me to try and save Bastian. No matter what you thought of me, you saw that my need was honest and you did not mock my wish nor ignore it. I am thankful for that, and it showed me that you are a decent person. Even though you lack any kind of manners. I respect you, even though I do not like you, and I trust your judgement far more then I would want to. If you consider him a risk, then he probably is. You helped me try and save the man I loved, Lavellan, I would be a despicable woman if I did not try and help you find the man you love and stop him sunder the world,”   
Lavellan was silent, in shock. She had not expected such an honest and heartfelt reply. She felt a bit like a fool for being so mean to Vivienne all of the sudden. She shifted in her chair, uncomfortable with the sudden flood of acknowledgement from the mage and rubbed her neck with a sigh before opening her mouth;  
“...Thank you. The others do not trust my judgement, they think I'm just... going insane. And I might be, but you have a sharp eye for people, so... Maybe not, if you too see the risk he poses,”  
Vivienne chuckled;  
“My dear, are we... being friendly?”  
“I bet it is just momentarily,” Lavellan said trying a jest and smile at Vivienne.  
Vivienne nodded, eyes glittering with amusement of the strange situation;  
“I believe the others care for you too much to really see you reasoning. They know your heartbreak, and care for it. I think you were a fool to get close to him to begin with, and from a distance the most situations look different than up-close,”   
She rose and went to a bookshelf in the room pulling out a big leather bound tome and put it in front of the Inquisitor, who gasped in awe when she saw it.  
It was pristine, but old, and very elven. She had never seen a so ancient intact tome in her whole life, with great respect and admiration she stroke the cover, tracing the scripture and slowly opening it.  
Page after page with scripture and illustrations. It would take her months to interpret it all and make sense of it, but her whole soul was shivering with anticipation for the task.  
“Thank you, Vivienne,” she mumbled as she turned another page “Even if this is not any help in my search I doubt you can grasp what a treasure this tome is for my people,”  
Vivienne watched her in silence, a small amused smile on her lips and letting the Inquisitor fawn over the tome to her hearts content. She knew exactly how dear this tome would be to Lavellan, and it was important. For many reasons.


	13. Crashing down

The Inquisitor was engulfed in her new book for the coming weeks, not even paying attention to Viviennes remarks about her clothes or manners as they stayed at the Circle since Lavellan refused to travel with the tome until she could craft a perfect protection for it.  
She read from the moment she woke up until the moment her head fell down upon the old pages as she collapsed into sleep, eating what ever was put beside her and scribbling translations in another book on her right.  
One time she scribbled on Josephines arm because the poor ambassador had moved the note book to make space for some tea for Lavellan. Lavellan had scowled and mumbled that she didn't like tea, and reached for her notebook feverishly copying the notes from Josys arm to the paper.  
She moaned when the others forced her to walk the gardens or meet people who had come to see her now when she was in Orlais and in a civilized setting. She grunted as Cassandra tried to talk Inquisition business with her or when Varric sat down to spend some time with her telling jokes.  
She rose from her chair and left, books piled up to her nose when Dorian and the others tried to make her join a game of wicked grace and finally, one night when Varric for the fifth time made her move out of the room for some peace and quiet she roared;  
“Halam sahlin! You will stop interrupting me with your meaningless blubbering or may Dirthamen be your friend so he will shield you from my wrath!”  
“Looks who talks like a crazy person,” the dwarf sighed and slid a bottle of Junpier brandy her way “Sparks. Give me five minutes, and just listen. If you still don't want to see reason after those five minutes, then I will leave you alone. Just give me those minutes,”  
She snarled and slammed back into her chair glaring at him;  
“Five. Minutes,”  
“I'm glad you are so happy with your new book, and that you and Vivienne have come to some kind of truce. I am just worried, because you are acting crazy,”  
“I'm not,”  
“Listen, you promised you would listen,”  
She pouted, but listened. He was right, she had promised that. Of sorts.  
He walked around the table and sat down beside her, slowly closing her books after making sure he had marked the pages she was at. He looked at her, and sighed;  
“He won't be in a book, Sparks. He does not want you to find him. I know it hurts, by the Maker, I know, but at this rate he is not the one hurting you. You are. So please, stop it,”  
“What are you talking about? I'm just translating a book, a tome of my people that have been lost for eons! This is...” she bit her lip and felt hot furious tears burn in her eyes.  
Solas. Blighted egghead. She hoped the Dread Wolf caught …. no... no she didn't. Because he probably was the Dread Wolf and the thought of him catching himself made a silly picture in her head. Oh well, he could catch himself. He could chew of his own blighted head, what did she care!?  
“Your not listening again,” the dwarf sighed and she snapped back from her rage to reality “You are doing this more often, not listening,”  
“Sorry” she mumbled “I just... had a picture in my head of Solas being both him and the wolf and the wolf hunting itself, and him, and then chewing his blighted egg head off,”  
It made no sense, she knew it as she said it and she got it confirmed when she saw Varrics long worried gaze.  
“... Like I said. Acting crazy. Bull have tracked down a dragon, please go with him and hunt it. It will take just a few days. Some fresh air and excersise will do you good,”  
“I need to translate this. You don't get it...”  
“No, no I don't. You have not made any efforts to explain either,”  
She groaned and sighed for a moment and leaned back, staring at the tome. She wanted to continue to read it. To understand all that had been lost.  
“It is a Keepers place to remember,” she mumbled unable to meet his gaze “We are entrusted with that, to remember our culture, our history, and to preserve it,”  
“But do you need to do that like this?” he asked softly “You need to function as well. I understand it is a big deal, that it is important to you to preserve and understand as much as you can but Sparks.... The world is happening now. This,”  
He put a hand on the book and caught her eye;  
“This is a dead book. I know, I know, don't get mad, just listen. The people in this book, are dead. You are no more like them then I am like the dwarfs that founded Ozammar. And we will never be like our ancestors. We are we, we live in our world, in our time. No one can go back,”  
“You could never understand,” she whispered with a strained voice fighting back tears “I am Dalish. I... We are the last of the Elhven. We do not surrender what we are. We will remember. We will not...”  
He sighed and left his chair to take the short few steps over to her, putting his hands on her shoulders and leaning his forehead against hers;  
“Please tell me what this is about Sparks. You are not making sense. You are a smart person, brilliant even. What is this?”  
“He is a liar,” she croaked with a broken voice “I bought his lies. All of it. I... I want it to be lies. All of it. All the things he said about us, about the People, about our Gods. That we were slaves. That... it can not be. We can't do that. We can't go from... We are not slaves!”  
“No, you aren't,” Varric mumbled and stroke her hair “It doesn't matter if that was true, Sparks, it doesn't. You aren't slaves any more, no matter what was before,”  
“And if he... If it wasn't lies then...” she felt her chest grow tighter “This book... It fits what he said, not from his point of view but it... I... Everything we knew... everything we remembered about our past, about us, was just fairy tales. You can't understand that. You can't... He must have known...he tried to tell me but he didn't say enough... He knew me didn't he? He knew I would need answers. He had them. All this fucking time he had them... and he just left. He left me with all this...shit... running through my head, that I can't make sense of. He took everything I was, and left me with nothing,”  
“You are not nothing,” Varric mumbled holding her as she fought the panic rising inside of her “And you are freaking out. It... Maybe I can't understand it, but... Staring at the past won't give you much more then seeing the past. There are still elves in the world, suffering, lost, and they need you. It is great if you can maybe translate the book so others can read it and learn something but... Sparks, look at me, Keepers are leaders too, no? The world needs you out there. Living. Not here breaking your mind over him nor history. You are far more then nothing, you are more then most in this world,”  
“I'm not” she mumbled “I'm... I am Ellana Lavellan, not some Herlad of Andraste, no Keeper, I'm... It was just chance that landed me here,”  
“No,” Varrics voice got stern “It was not chance that landed you here. Chance might have put that mark on you, I'll give you that much, but chance did not make you lead us all to victory and save the world. You did that. Don't forget that,”  
“I...” she sighed and sniffled a bit “I feel so... This is what I want to do Varric. I want to read, find things, rebuild all the things that just got snatched from us. We deserve more then arravals and fucking shems running us off as soon as we are no use for them. We deserve more then allianages. To be treated like we are dirt. If he...”  
“I don't give a flying fuck about what Chuckles thought,” Varric said making her head snap towards him in surprise of his words “Chuckles had given up on the elves. It doesn't matter. He isn't here. You on the other hand, and what you do, matters. You are here, you have the opportunity. You have the gusto to make the shems crawl to you to beg forgiveness for past wrongs against your people, if you want them too,”  
The last words were spoken with a glint in his eyes and she smiled, a little.  
“...maybe... I'm just... I hate winters. I really do. I hate...I can't sleep, maybe that is why I'm so strange,”  
“Why not?”  
“...I fear I might run into him. Or not. Either way...Imagine that, just for a moment. That a person that hurt you so much you don't know who you are any more might show up in your dreams, for real. And you miss them. You miss them so much that your heart feels like it shatters daily but still... I don't know...”  
“I think I understand,” Varric mumbled, clutching her hand in his.  
She thought he did too.  
“But you still need that sleep,” he concluded “Maybe you should try having someone next to you, so you won't be so alone?”  
“Like who?” she mumbled “You? Will you be my sleep buddy?”  
“I don't even dream...” he said with a small smirk “I don't know. All that dream stuff is weird to me. Sleep is sleep, not running around in the fade experiencing stuff,”  
“I wish” she mumbled “I wish I could just.. not dream,”


	14. Memories of others

She opened her eyes finding herself at home, at Skyhold. She could see the familiar mountains through the windows as she sat up in her bed, and that cool crisp mountain breeze caressed her as it passed through the room.

It was strange, because it looked like it should but not as it was.

It was not the same fortress, but another one. One she felt a strong belonging to.

It was with soft steps she walked down a spiral stair built out of solid marble, all her senses exploring this new fortress.

The air was filled with the distant sound of silver bells and there was a fresh smell lingering there too, as of a huge floral garden in full bloom.

There was an enormous door at the bottom of the stairs, reaching almost four times her hight and as she approached it chimed and lit up. Disregarding its own massive weight it slid open as if it had been nothing more then a sheer piece of cloth and she came out into the great hall.

She gasped as she stared up at a myriad of great chandlers and a vaulted ceiling filled with the most amazing frescos she had ever seen. She knew the motives, even if they were so far up.

It was the tale of their people. The tales of grandeur and adventure, but also responsibility and conflict.

High up there, almost invisible for the mortal eye she could see him. Painting away as always, recording, remembering and interpreting. This was his fortress. His domain and kingdom.

High up in the mountains, the place where the sky was kept back from engulfing the lands.

That was where he made his home, and rightfully so she thought.

With the ease of a wisp she joined him up there near the roof, saying nothing at first. Only watching.

He looked so serene as he mixed the colours and thought about his composition. Nothing in this world or the next made her feel so calm and happy as watching him enjoy himself.

"He was here. Looking for you," he said as he noticed her presence.

"Let him look," she replied softly and rested against one of the many pillars holding the roof up "I told him not to worry,"

The Wolf gave her a nod and placed a single stroke on the mural.

"That will displease him if he heard you say that. However I doubt he will return soon, he dislikes this realm too much,"

"You are the only one who really do enjoy it," she replied "I like it here, with you, where the currents home are strong. Elsewhere... it is bleak and rigid. They however need me, so I will reach through and help if the cause is just,"

She saw his eyebrows form a frown but he held his tongue. It was adorable she thought, that he had chosen to take their form even here. He was not one of them, he never would be and why he tried so hard to look like it was beyond her.

"Would you pass on a message for me?" she asked and he answered with a quick nod.

"Tell Daern'thal that if he continues to seek out my people and put poison in their hearts I will come for him, and I will strike every Elvhen that threaten the purity of those pledged to me. Such is my promise to them and my threat to him,"

He frowned once more and shot a quick glance towards her. It foretold that he could not just sit in silence any more;

"I ask you not to send that message to him. You will only challenge his pride, and make the sweetness of his small victories taste even sweeter when he sinks his claws into them. I also object to your view of them as yours. It need not be servitude that you offer, you could grant your help without it. I think you should,"

"That would be silly," she replied "I would be forced to intervene at the most trivial of matters, never having time to check on the others nor visit you. If they wish for such power as to wield me as they see fit then they should become as us. We are above them, and the favours I grant should be cherished because nothing they could conjure can even begin to compare. They should worship us, it is the nature of their beings to worship what they can not achieve themselves"

"Pride," he simply said turning back to the murals "Pride and a lack of empathy for this world will be the undoing of all of you. I've watched them, watched them grow and evolve. They are not your toys, not your little figurines to be pitted against each other like game pieces on a board. They are living, vibrant beings and should be free to govern themselves,"

She scoffed and looked at the mural he was painting. These beings exploring the worlds.

"Don't be silly," she said after a moment of silence "They are chaos. Govern themselves? That is a ludicrous idea, vhenan. They can't. It would just be chaos, and I can't have that,"

"Maybe it is not up to you to dictate how the world orders?" he noted and added a character that was curiously close to her chosen form in this realm "Maybe, we are not the Gods you all made them see us as?"

"Come with me," she mumbled and laid a soft hand on his shoulder "Come with me back home,"

"I am home," he replied and she sighed.

"You know what I mean. It was so long since we had some real time together, since you where your true self and not this avatar. I miss you,"

The brush stopped, and his face turned from the mural towards her. His eyes were soft and filled with a warm love, but also with rejection.

He would not come with her.

"I will take the fight with him if he protests," she said, making him smile a little.

"I do not fear his wrath. And I have missed you. I will not come with you even so. There are things I need to do, events I need to watch,"

"Watch them from our side," she mumbled and sighed, floating up in the air next to the mural "Am I not as loved as this world by you? I remember times when we spent every moment we could together. I remember times when we were everything that mattered,"

"That is the thing about time," he replied gently "It changes things. Whether you like it or not, for better and for worse,"

Her eyes told him about her objections to his tone and words. He simply shook his head and continued to paint.

"I know that. I am not a fool. I simply object to the notion giving your previous statements that it is not our duty to steer the realms in an orderly and just direction,"

"I know you do. It is in your nature to protest such notions," he answered and rose from the plank he was balancing on "And I will question, and strive to bring choice to those who have none. I think they would flourish under their leadership. They are remarkable, you would see that if you stepped in to this world and opened your mind to their possibilities,"

She left him there, if that was his mood there would be no talking to him.

As she left she heard him say;

"I will deliver your message. It will cause war though, and you know it. This is me stating my disapproval for your choice to challenge him despite knowing that,"

She went outside instead, breathing in the clear mountain air and watching the few mortals that had found their way to his fortress. He was so silly, claiming they did wrong by having worshippers. It was the nature of mortals to worship, and they were the natural choice for such devotion among mortals.

They did not want to govern themselves, they wanted guidance, leadership and rules to follow. They needed them to get peace from the chaos within their minds.

The mortals here did not see her as she went by them nor when she stopped to look at them doing whatever mortal tasks they were performing as she passed them by. Their wants and needs were clear to her, but not her concerns right now.

She took to the mountains, floating in the wind until she found a suitable spot. There, on a cliff bathing in sunlight a long the mountains side she took the form of this realm that she loved.

The dragon.

There was nothing more powerful, nor majestic, as the dragon she thought. Not in this realm. They were the apple of this creation.

Spreading her wings she swooped down the mountain and away, south. Towards her own domains here, where her followers acted out justice and order in a world ordained to chaos if no one interjected. It was against his nature to understand, but she saw this world and what it needed. It needed her, and her intervention.

Ellana woke up when Varrics arm landed on her face as he turned in his sleep. The room was dark and for a moment she was confused. She didn't understand why she was there, who that Durgen'len was nor why she was in a physical form.

It had been a dream. Just a dream. A strange very real dream.

How she missed Skyhold though. Her wonderful Skyhold. She wanted to go home, but it had to wait until the mountain passes where cleared from snow. After all, she wasn't a dragon...


	15. Waking hours

As the morning sun gleamed in through the windows and Varric slowly stirred back to life Ellana looked up from her book with a quiet smile. She had been awake from hours, there had been no falling back to sleep after that strange dream.

She also had found that she suddenly saw the key to breaking the linguistic code she had been stuck on for days trying to decipher the a special passage in the book. It was odd how naturally the old foreign elvish had been to her during these last hours. As if she remembered things long forgotten once more.

"Sparks," Varric yawned as he saw her sitting there "Did you sit there all night?"

"No, just a few hours. I had a strange dream, a good dream. I think. Of Skyhold. I miss it, and.. I don't know.. it was just strange. Like a memory of another time,"

"You are weird," the dwarf mumbled as he lumbered of to wash his face "But no nightmares is a good thing I guess? So how is it going with the book?"

"Ame amin halai lothi amin noamin heruamin," she replied mumbling with her nose back between the pages.

"What?" the dwarf replied and she looked at him for a moment and then translated it;

"I am the one who can recount what we've lost. It is going good, I got it a few hours ago. It just came to me, guess I just needed a few hours of sleep to let my brain rest,"

She ignored the confused look in Varrics face and continued turned to the book;

"Can you get me some breakfast? And ask Josy when she thinks we can return to Skyhold. I want to go home,"

"...Sure. If you agree to come with me and her on a little field trip later?"

"Sounds good. I should get out a bit, clear my head. It seems to have been good for me,"

"Yes... something like that. Talk to you soon then, Sparks,"

"Dareth shiral,"

"I'm just getting you breakfast,"

"Huh? Yeah, sorry,"

He came back what seemed like only seconds later and stuck a plate of bread and cheese under her nose and put a cup of tea beside her. She frowned at the tea and then glanced his way.

"I hate tea,"

"It is good for you though. They say," he noted and sat down beside her "How much did you sleep?"

"Well.. some. I don't know. It was dark when I awoke but... yeah... I couldn't fall asleep again,"

"Was it better than usual?"

"Yes. Yes. I did sleep so, that is better,"

"Do you want me to continue to sleep here?"

"Yes, if you are all right with it. I don't want to impose,"

He smiled softly

"You're not. However, eat that food and come with me. We are heading out,"

 

She stared at the road a head of them and rolled her eyes at Dorian and Bulls banter. She felt strange, as if something pulled at her. As if she was only half present. Varric rode next to her and was telling her about what probably awaited them at the temple they were going to. Apparently an elven temple they had found not long in the Exhalted Plains.

"I think it will be nice of you to do some field work," he smiled and she nodded.

She sighed and looked around her, the sun was shining down on her face and over all it was a good day. She felt hollow though, as if she was but half of all she should be.

"Ellana, did you hear what the Marquis said to me as we left?" Dorian asked and she glanced his way and shook her head;

"That you looked fine for a Tevinter deserter?"

He smirked and shook his head;

"No, that if all Tevinter blood mages were as fine as me he wouldn't mind kneeling for them all,"

"It would put him in the right hight for him to be of use," Bull scoffed and Ellana rolled her eyes.

"They are charming, aren't they? I am surprised they don't explode out of all that prejudices stuffed away inside of them," Dorian said "Have they been troubling you with the whole elven thing, Lavellan?"

"I doubt they would dare to say anything to her, she'll bite their heads off," Bull chuckled and she sighed.

"Glad I can entertain the two of you when you need to leave the bedroom. Is it much longer? I am bored,"

"Bored?" Varric looked at her with surprise "You usually enjoy these rides with the sun gently upon your face off to some adventure,"

"Well.. yeah.." she mumbled "Now I just... I don't know there is... I just feel a bit off about it,"

There was a few moments of silence and then Bull said;

"We could just go and kill a dragon, if you'd like that better,"

"Oh by the Maker and all that is holy!" Dorian burst out "Not another freaking dragon! Have you seen what they do to my robes!? This is royal silk, Bull, royal silk!"

She smirked and shook her head;

"No... I... It will be fine. I'm probably just a bit absent minded because I read most of the night,"

"Weren't you supposed to sleep with Varric?" Bull asked and Varric groaned

"Don't say it like that! It sounds wrong!"

"But it is the fun way to say it,"

"I know," the dwarf groaned "But I don't want rumours of me and Sparks to start up. Bianca would try to kill her, and Chuckles would probably pop up out of a shadow and kill me,"

She scoffed and looked to the skies;

"Doubtful. Bet he would just waltz into my dreams and accuse me of something, be all passive aggressive about it, I'd remind him that he broke up with me, he'd start raving about how the olden days were better and then I'd sink my teeth into him or set Andruil on him,"

"..What?" three male voices said in a confused choir.

"...How and why would you sink your teeth into him?" Dorian added after a moment "...You don't have very big teeth,"

"Oh not these" she mumbled still in a half daze "My dragon teeth. Bet that wolfen fucker can't escape those without leaving a trace,"

"O-okay," Dorian mumbled glancing nervously at the others "Are you sure you're fine, Ellana?"

"I'm fine," she muttered urging her horse into a trot "I'm just not... happy being this... Ouch!"

Her hand burned like a thousand fires all of the sudden and she nearly fell of said horse.

"Fenedhis lasa!" she hissed as she pulled of her glove and stared at the mark.

It had been stable for what felt like an eternity, now it was pulsating and she could feel it burn and spread.

"That... looks bad, boss," Bull mumbled as he came up beside her on his horse and saw the mark too.

"No shit!" she snapped clasping her forearm tightly wincing from the pain "Dorian! Cool it, it burns like dragonfire!"

Dorian hurried up to her side and clasped her hand between his and freezed it. It helped. The pain faded and it felt stable again.

"That's not good," Varric mumbled "Should we head back? The mages at the Circle might be of better help than just us out here on the road,"

"They will know jack shit about what to do," she snarled at him and clenched her jaw before saying the words that burned her throat as if they were poison "Solas was the only one who had a clue about how to deal with it, wasn't he?"

"Well, yes, but that was before," Varric tried but she shook her head and pulled her hand out of Dorians grasp and forced her horse to continue forward.

"And he was great at keeping secrets, wasn't he!?" she barked "It's better now. I don't want to go back. I'm awake now anyway,"

"If you say so, boss," Bull said and added "But if you get worse we are going back,"

She didn't answer. She accelerated to a rapid canter and swore under her breath. Just what she needed, her bloody hand acting up.

 

They reached the ruins at sunset and her hand felt better. A bit tingly, but it got better by the minute. She looked around the entrance as they set up camp and glanced at her friends while they tried to be subtle about not letting her out of site.

"I'm fine," she said with a deep sigh as she turned to the camp fire to start cooking dinner for them.

Rabbit stew. Always a favourite on the road.

"I had a weird dream last night, and it lingered. The voices of the well are getting more pronounced which... well it's distracting. The hand feels better now, the burning has stopped, it's just a weird tingling now,"

Dorian squinted at her over the fire and sighed;

"I don't know what happened when you drank from that well, Lavellan, but those voices are spirits and you don't want to let spirits take over your inner dialogue,"

"I'm not," she said with a faint sigh "I've just spent months trying not to dream. It is exhausting, and last night I dreamt something fierce. I doubt it even was a dream, more like... a memory being told to me through the fade. So I'm not on my top game. Varric helps though. I mean I could sleep. It wasn't all... Solas or painstakingly torment until death the whole night. So that is good,"

"... I guess," Dorian mumbled, still not completely buying her reassurance "Do you mind if I watch over you to night? Varric has no connection to the Fade, I think it can be a good idea to have a mage trying to figure out what happens to you when you sleep. Just to be sure you are safe,"

"Sure," she said stirring the stew "If it will make you feel better you can sleep with me tonight instead of Varric,"

Bull chuckled, Dorian grinned and Varric sighed and glared at her;

"Not you too," he muttered and she shrugged

"I need to do something to calm him down, don't I? If Dorian can't figure it out I guess I'll just sleep with Bull after that,"

"Oh you know I'd be good," Bull purred and she couldn't help but grin "I'd sleep with you real good, Boss,"

"I bet you would. I've heard Dorian quite a few nights since the two of you started sharing tents. You seem real gifted at sleeping," she teased and Varric shook his head at them.

"I'm going to go to my tent, and sleep alone," he declared with a smile "You two pervs battle it out without me,"

"What about me?" Dorian asked in a voice mocking the classic damsel in distress.

"Oh, they do need a referee if they are going to have that kind of battle," Varric smiled "And you are far better at judging perverted battles then I ever will be, your excellency,"

"Traitor" Dorian called after the dwarf and gave Lavellan and Bull a stern look as he turned back "There will be no perverted battle of who can be the ranciest. The Inquistor is up for a sleep study tonight, so we will eat our food and go to bed afterwards,"

"I have desert for you in the tent if you want it," she said in her most teasing voice and Bull nearly doubled over in laughter as Dorian wrinkled is eyebrows in confusion to then realize what she was insinuating and swatting her with the ladle.

"Bad Inquisitor! I said no battle! Look at our poor Qunari. He can not handle that kind of talk from a fair elven maiden as you,"

She snickered, for the first time in forever it felt like and sighed;

"I wouldn't be a god damn maiden if Solas wasn't a stupid egghead,"

"Say what now?" Bulls head jerked up and she could feel Dorians eyes narrowing in on her.

"He never... you two never went all the way?" Dorian frowned as if such a concept was beyond understanding for him.

"Nope... Just lots of mixed signals, talks about the ancient elves, love, amazing kisses and vallaslin removing," she mumbled and stirred the pot a bit more "... It was so...fucking amazing... but no. No sex..."

"Damn... He was stupid," Bull mumbled as if he was in shock "...And... no one before him either?"

She shook her head and sighed;

"I never connected with anyone on that level before him. I thought that I'd never love someone like that until... Until I fell in love with him. I can't really explain it... It was like I already knew him. When I saw him that first time at the temple, just as Cassandra had dragged up there to try and close the Breach the first time... I felt relieved when I saw him, as if I saw an old friend. Someone I hadn't seen in ages. I can't explain it... all those quarrels we had... It always felt like we had been having those for ages too... I thought... that maybe... maybe I had found my twin soul,"

"Twin soul?" Bull passed her a mug of cognac

"Dalish thing... It isn't normally a romantic relationship but... a true friendship and understanding of each other. It is really beyond friendship as well you... your souls they are in deep understanding of each other. I felt like... there was no to little need for us to explain each other to the other. He understood, and I understood him. I thought. Obviously I am an idiot,"

"No," Dorian said with a soft voice "Not an idiot, just a romantic. He was the idiot, Lavellan, for not being brave enough to face you and be honest,"

"Prick," Bull muttered "Well if he shows his face again I'll drag him to you, and if you split that bold head of his open, I'm not even going to say anything about it. You don't mess with hearts like that. You need to be honest and direct about what is going on. Not mess around leaving a lot of mixed signals,"

She sighed and started passing out food to the other two in silence.

Maybe. She still felt like she was the idiot.

She should have been on her guard, asked more questions and not just fallen head over heels like a small girl.

She walked over to Varrics tent and gave him his plate of food too.

"You seem in awfully deep thought for competing for the title of biggest perv," he noted and she gave him a faint smile.

"Oh we have stopped that... I accidentally revealed that I never had sex with Solas, or any other for that matter. They seemed shocked,"

He rose an eyebrow and glanced over to the fire where Dorian and Bull sat;

"You're kidding me. Them, confused and surprised over the lack of sex in others lives? I would never have guessed. They are such prudes..."

"I know, I know... Then we talked about Solas and well... yeah... We are just going to eat and then go to bed. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I think it is good that Dorian is going to keep an eye on you tonight, if it is a fade thing I'm the worst person for the job after all,"

"Or the best... I'm hoping a bit of your dwarven immunity could rub off on me,"

"Well, if all fails we can try to make you just a little bit Tranquil," Varric joked and nodded to an open book and a pencil "I'm going to get back to writing, thanks for the food,"

She nodded and left him to it, returning to Bull and Dorian who now were deep into a conversation of knots. She didn't get what they were babbling about, but she left them to it and ate her supper. Ropes had never been her thing anyway, she had always left it to the hunters or halla keeper.


	16. Not what thought

 She glanced at Dorian as she shimmed down into her bedroll and he sat down beside her fiddling with a puzzle box.

“...You don't have to do this,” she noted and he gave her that crooked smile he always had.

“Don't be silly, I volunteered did I not? You are my closest friend, Lavellan, if you have a problem I'll try to help solve it. And sleep is important,”

She couldn't help but to feel safer. They were so different, she was quite sullen, short tempered and terrible at masking her emotions. He so flamboyant and full of chirpy disobedience.

She often thought that it must be nice to be so sure of who you are as Dorian was. He didn't compromise his character, but had fully embraced himself even the parts that hurt.

“Thank you,” she mumbled “I... thank you,”

“Go to sleep, I'll watch over you,” Dorian simply said and tucked her in, and she closed her eyes feeling her mind drift away almost as soon as her head hit the pillow.

 

The light almost blinded her at first, and she felt annoyed. He had no business here, but he never listened so what was the point of telling him?

The tall, regal man approached her over the pathway, her subjects scattering all over the place to make way for him and his entourage of slaves.

 

Always so theatrical. She scoffed and walked over to meet him, his bright eyes were impossible to read for most but she could. He was angry, and worried. This would be a pain to deal with.

“What brings you to my domain, husband?” she asked glaring down at him from the top of some stairs.

The Void be damned before she let him be dominant in her own house.

“We need to talk,” he replied with that deep commanding voice of his.

It was as if every spirit and every being nearby had gone silent to watch them, but then again they should.

Gods where conversing, all should pay attention to that.

“I hope you had the sense to not bring armies into my domain?” she asked and he scoffed, glaring at her.

“I did not, I figured a man does not need an army to go and see his wife? I have no time to banter, were can we talk in private?”

“I just wanted to be sure it was just a visit,” she replied and frost was outlining every word she spoke.

He clinched his jaw but stood still awaiting her invitation, acknowledging that this was her domain and that she was in charge. It was enough to satisfy her, for now.

“This way,” she said as she stepped into her own realm in the temple, he followed without hesitation.

 

Her realm was simple, practical white stone forming a grand room with the tides of magic forming a stream running through it. No grand statues, no gold or precious stones. The one thing that was not out of that white smooth stone was her bed, filled with soft feather filled covers and pillows.

He looked around and sighed;

“...It was far to long since you allowed me in to your Sanctum. Will you let me close again?”

She shrugged and pulled two glasses into existence;

“What is troubling you? Has she found away to break my bonds?”

“No,” he replied and she could hear the sadness in his voice.

She had always been his favoured child, wild and always challenging herself. Too wild though, too prideful.

“You can not blame me,” she muttered glaring at him “If you had not been so soft on her I would not had been forced to step in. I had to, I could not allow her madness to spread. It was going to spin into utter chaos, killing both her and all of those mortals,”

“I know,” he sighed “I have not come to argue with you about how we deal with our children. What has been done had to be done. I've come to talk to you about the wolf,”

The tone of his voice made a chill go up her spine and she shot a quick eye her husbands way. He seemed calm, but like the sea he could change in an instance. Especially when talking about the Wolf.

“What about him? I have not spoke to him in ages, not since we quarrelled about my subjects,” she said warily and her husband scoffed.

“I think he is abducting my servants,” he muttered and met her eyes steadily “My people whispers about him, saying he claims we are no gods,”

“You know how he is,” she tried to smooth things over but he shook his head and continued

“That is going too far! I will not allow him to steal my people from me, to grow such doubt in their hearts! I have allowed him to trespass onto what is rightfully mine for far too long! What is his plan!? I know he would tell you!”

That age old jealousy bubbled up, the anger and hurt that they both most of the time just tried to ignore. His otherwise blank and stern expression exploded into a myriad of conflicted feelings. Pride. Hurt. Anger. Fear.

The Wolf had always been able to get what he had not. She understood his fear of that the Wolf would now also take his people, and his power.

“I do not know his plans” she sighed and reached out to her husband in a rare display of sympathy “He always objected to us having subjects. And the notion that we are Gods to these mortals. I could go and talk to him, try to see if the rumours you hear are true. Know that I would never quietly watch anyone steal from any of us,”

“Not even if the thief was him? Your loyalty has never laid with me when it stands between me and that mad man,” his voice and his eyes were filled with doubt, and she understood why.

His doubt was granted, because he knew which of them she loved the most. It was not her husband.

“My feelings are irrelevant when it comes to what is just and what is not,” she replied “There are rules, and they must be obeyed. He can not be allowed to do what ever pleases him regardless of what it does to the rest of us. If there has been wrongdoing on his part I will see him punished,”

“You can not just smack him on the hand and tell him off if it is our Godhood he is challenging, vhenan,” he warned her “He will need to be disposed of. He possesses the knowledge of the Void and its magic, that is a power we can not have turned against us. Vhenan, if he is turning our people against us he must die,”

She didn't answer. She didn't want to say anything on that subject, because she knew him to be right.

How could she kill him though? He was her true love. The core of her heart. Without him her existence had turned even more black and white. She could sense her self disappearing, how she was turning into her role rather than it just being a part of her.

It did not matter most of the time, it was needed. The mortals seemed unable to grasp and act on the principles of justice by themselves. They needed her. Just as her Children needed her to guide them. All of them turned astray as soon as she averted her eyes from them.

 

She must have looked distressed, for she was woken out of her thoughts by his firm hand gently stroking her cheek.

“I beg of you,” he said looking deep into her eyes “For once, stand by me if you find that what is said about him is true. If not for me, for our children. He will not stop with destroying my following if it is the godhood he is out to end. He will come for us all,”

She trembled, loosing her self in his eyes. They were the colour of the sky, shifting from the clearest blue to the darkest black and his golden hair was falling down as he leaned in towards her resting his forehead against hers.

She sighed, and allowed his embrace. It was not that she did not love him, she did. He was her husband and they had had wonderful times together. He was just so stubborn, and vengeful. So many stupid arguments, so much needless spite.

“I have stood by your side,” she mumbled and felt the warmth from him surrounding her “You just don't want to see it. I have never left you, have I? And I will go to him, I will find the truth of this, and if he is threatening you, our children or our people I will end his plans. One way or another,”

“Thank you,” he mumbled and kissed her softly “I hope I am wrong. I do not wish for you to hurt, vhenan, but things need to be set right,”

With those words he released her from his embrace and walked away, leaving her to prepare for her task and to handle her thoughts in peace. He knew this was hard for her, and he knew it would not end well.

The moment before he disappeared she mumbled;

“Tell the children to be ready, if he wants to end our rule.... I am sure I can reason with him, but tell them to be ready and to remember to think before they act if something were to happen,”

He turned and gave her a solemn nod;

“I will, but you know I would bring down the skies and shatter the earth to avenge you if need be,” he said before leaving her sanctuary.

 

She sank to the floor as he left, there was a feeling in the bottom of her stomach. A feeling of doom. It could not be true, he could not do that to them? He knew they would not stand by and watch him challenge the order of the world like that!

If it was true, could she do it? Could she kill him? Surely she could reason with him?

She guessed she would have to. She would have to be able to. For her children and for the stability of the worlds sake.

“We can come with you,” a velvety voice said, startling her.

There stood her oldest son, his eyes narrowing down on her and next to him his twin brother.

“We heard Father was visiting,” the Second noted pulling the cloak from his head making the brothers truly look the same “We wished to be near if he lashed out, or if any other trouble was brewing,”

She smiled, rose to her feet and embraced her boys in a soft hug. It was so long since she had seen them. Her oldest had not visited her since she had been forced to put down his armies as he in hybris had demanded all to worship him, or die.

Her heart felt lighter as she felt him return her embrace and she sighed, gazing at them both. They were the perfect combination of her husband and her. His golden hair, her eyes green as the forest during spring. Tall and powerful. Her boys.

“Yes... All is well. He is concerned about what the Wolf is up to. I shall need to go and talk to the Wolf, possibly work out some kind of truce they both can agree on,”

The Second scoffed and cocked his head to the right;

“Something they both will agree on? Mother you are naivë sometimes. The Dread Wolf does not negotiate,”

She scowled. She did not like that name. She saw why they gave it to him, he was posing more and more of a problem for her husband and children. Even for her at this point. Yes, it was necessary to talk to him, to ask him to see reason.

“Come on, Mother, it is his name nowadays. He wears it as a badge of honour,” the First said cocking his head to the left.

“Do you know where to find him?” she asked and they shrugged

“Our baby sister, the huntress, surely can find him, as long as he has not fled to the void,” they noted and she sighed.

“I am afraid she is still is very sick,” she noted pushing the feelings of guilt to the side.

What she had done to her daughter had been necessary, for all their sake.

“She is much better,” The First noted making his mother frown “I sought her out when I still could not see the wisdom in your actions against me, hoping to find someone to brood with. She is still brooding, but I am sure she will see reason if I talk to her. Lend you some aid or something,”

“It might be good,” she sighed “I am grateful for your aid,”

“You are our mother,” they replied “We owe you our lives,”

“You owe me nothing,” she protested “I do however, appreciate us acting like a family rather than rivals for once,”

They smiled and departed to find their wounded sister. Her other children arrived during the day, offering her what they could to aid in her search and quest. She time and time again explained that she was not going to war with The Dread Wolf. It was just going to be a talk, but they insisted and she did not have reason to turn the gifts down.

 

Her daughter the huntress showed up on the third day, her former sun kissed skin charred by the plague from the Void and her hair in tangles. She looked still very much like a sick and wounded animal rather than the proud hunter they had all known from before.

“I have tracks, Mother,” she said “Have you informed your lieutenants on why you are away?”

Her tone was short and she refused to meet her mothers gaze, but her mother thought nothing of it. The girl was still angry, still unable to see the necessity of her mothers actions.

“I have, please lead the way,” the Protector said and followed suit as the Huntress tracked through the wilderness. They travelled for weeks, the girl never saying more then a few words and sullenly keeping her eyes on the ground. Her Mother didn't press her, if they had anything it was time.

 

They arrived to a great dale in the North, The Mother could see no tracks or signs of her old friend but the huntress stopped.

“This is it,” the girl said and glared at her Mother.

“I can not sense him?” her asked and looked around “Are you sure?”

 

There was silence. An awful silence. A dread she had not felt in ages came upon her as she spun to see her daughter snarling at her like a wild beast. There was chaos, panic, she clawed and fought in every way she could to get away.

Betrayal.

Her daughter alone could not bring her down, but she wielded weapons from a craftsman her mother had nursed since birth. Dipped in poison she had never felt before, sapping her of her strength and magic.

She screamed for her children, her husband. Anybody. There was nothing but resolute silence.

 

 

Ellana awoke with a scream, she was trembling, feeling panic twist her lungs into nothings. A firm but soft hand dragged her into a comforting embrace and she heard that velvet voice of Dorian mumbled;

“Calm down. Calm down, it is just a dream. Look at me,”

She stared into his calm brown eyes trying to find some way to break the panic and he steadily held her head while talking to her;

“I need you too think about and say five things you can see, four things you can hear and three things you can touch and then touch them. Lastly I want you to say two things you can smell and take a slow deep breath. Can you do that, Lavellan?”

She nodded, her mind still in shambles but she looked around them and mumbled;

“Tent, Dorian, bedroll, backpack, sock. Dorian, bird, wind, stream,” she stroke his robe and continued “Robe, grass and staff,”

“Good, two smells now,”

“Camp fire, Prophets Laurel,” she took a deep breath and felt more at grips with reality.

“Good, good,” Dorian mumbled and pulled her into a tight hug “Maker you scared me when you began to panic, I was forced to restrain you a bit so you wouldn't set fire to the tent,”

“I... I dreamt... they... I was Mythal,” she mumbled and pulled the safe scent of her Tevinter friend into her lungs “It... it made no sense, Andruil tried to kill me... But... it was the Dread Wolf that killed her,”

“Well, I don't know,” Dorian replied stroking her back to sooth her “Your mark flared up though, and your vallaslin showed, in a bright blue. As if it was made with lyrium. You elves do not craft lyrium onto your faces do you?”

“No... no we don't” she mumbled

“Good, and besides, if you did I am pretty sure it would show when you were awake as well. Especially when casting spells,” Dorian chirped but he looked concerned “Maybe it has to do with the Well of Sorrows?”

She shrugged and closed her eyes resting against his chest;

“How long did I sleep?”

“Almost the whole night. Do you want to surprise Bull and Varric with breakfast? I think they would like that. How is your hand?”

“My hand is fine. Breakfast sounds...good... I need to.. think about this... It felt wrong...If I am... if it is memories... It doesn't fit with our legends....Or maybe... I don't know...”

“You are still shaken. Try to think of something else, think of me. Thinking of me always cheers me up,”

She smiled, a little, and followed him out of the tent to make breakfast for their friends. Mostly just watching him trying to, and then stepping in to do it proper when he had made enough of a fool out of himself. Cooking over an open fire was apparently not something they taught future Magistrates in Tevinter.  


	17. In the halls of the dead there was laughter

She walked the halls of the temple her friends had taken her too filled with a strange sensation of sorrow and fear. It all seemed so familiar, yet different.

In her minds eye she could see the former glory of these halls, bright and vibrant filled with the life of her people.

Now it was dead. A ruin, a fading memory lost for the ages.

How fitting, she thought, The temple for the God of Death is dead. History goes to the victor.

She sighed as she knelt before a statue inspecting what looked as a mechanism of sorts.

“There is a door over here,” Varric called out from another part of the room “It is locked, no keyhole for me to lockpick,”

“I think it is a magical lock,” she replied inspecting the statue closer “Probably some sort of ritual we need to figure out. There are traces of magic all over this statue,”

Dorian sighed and glanced at Bull who was keeping his only eye out for demons;

“What was it with the old elves and riddles? Every where we go there is a puzzle to solve or a riddle to figure out,”

“Maybe our intellect always have been superior to the Vints” she muttered and began to inspect all the statues of the room.

Bull snickered and grinned at Dorian;

“She got you good there,”

“Hmpf,” Dorian muttered and looked around the room “Well, interior design was not your peoples passion anyway. There is no symmetry at all in how these statues are placed, look at that, the small one totally covered up by a much bigger,”

She rolled her eyes but smiled. If that was the best he could come up with he was surely impressed.

“Help me try to figure this up instead of standing there bitching,” she said as she looked to the faded murals in the ceiling for guidance “It is the temple of Falon'Din, surely we should be able to figure this out. It has to be connected to him in some way,”

 

It took them a good few hours to solve the puzzle of aligning the magical energy correctly to open the door, and as the ventured what looked as an inner sanctum she felt a cold chill rushing through her and the voices grew louder than they had in a long time;

 

_Eyes, eyes every where. He will not share domains. Fortune and Death, follow or not. That is the choice. It is not just. Have to bring him down, the Lady has spoken. So many deaths. Doubt. So much doubt. Have to trick him. The dead are his. What to do Great Protector? Who do we call on?_

_Fire. Light the dead on fire, he can not raise them if they are but ash. That are her orders. Burn them all. Even the field._

 

“Ellana?” Dorian glanced at her, not too surprising since she had been standing frozen staring at a tall figure of Falon'Din as if petrified.

“The Well... They speak of a battle between Falon'Din and Mythal. He didn't want to share dominion or something. Hybris maybe? War followed, but he was the God of the Death. I don't know details, but it sounded like he rose the dead to fight for him. They needed away to keep the dead from him, otherwise I guess every solider they lost would be a new soldier for him... They called on Mythal for aid, then they got orders to light the dead on fire. He couldn't raise them if they were ash. It... It would have been controversial. With all the tombs of ancient elves we have visited I think even those dead, not just sleeping, were put in sarcophagus rather than burned. Maybe they could heal the bodies and bring them back? I don't know...”

“Fire huh?” Bull said looking at a charred wall “This... This is damage caused by a dragon, so they sure seems to have brought fire,”

“Fitting,” Varric muttered “This place gives me the creep, and I can't even sense magical stuff,”

“It sure does have an... feel,” Dorian agreed “ The veil is very thin here. Maybe that is why the voices are coming through so clear? The veil is thin, and it is an important place for them where something happened that has left an impact through out time,”

“Maybe,” she mumbled running her hand over a small owl carving on a door.

“Gods going at war with each other was probably a pretty big deal,” Varric agreed.

She felt a sting of sorrow, her throat tightening up.

It had to be done. He refused to listen. She feared he had went with Andruil, into the Void and as her been infected and maddened but what was to be found there. There was no reasoning with him.

_I've been cheated! I am the oldest! I demand to get what I am owned!_

An enraged boy flinging things across the room, causing havoc and screaming to make his point. How had it come to this?

_If you do not yield and give me what I deserve I will take it! I will not be denied!_

She sighed and looked at the statue once more. How could a god of Death not have enough minions? Even among the immortal elves he surely got more than a few. Age seemed like such a rare cause of death even now.

“Huh,” Varric mumbled going through an old chest “A fancy staff, Dorian, Lavellan, you'll have to fight for it,”

“Take it, Dorian,” she replied and glanced at the staff in her hand “I'm fine with my own,”

“I will take it,” Dorian said after examining the staff briefly “I still insist you find or make yourself another though. And don't name the new one after your runaway boyfriend this time, Lavellan. It is possibly the most pathetic thing you have done in the whole story of him being an idiot and leaving,”

“Hey,” Varric muttered “Go easy on her,”

“Well, the same goes for you,” Dorian said looking at Bianca “The crossbow is amazing, but you, both of you, should really stop naming weapons after lovers who has left you,”

“I don't know,” Bull said from another corner of the room rummaging through some cupboards “I mean, isn't it better that Solas and Bianca are hurting the enemies of Sparks and Varric instead of their usual deal?”

“Ha ha, very witty,” Dorian sighed “It is sad. You, both of you, should keep your chins high.. well as high as you can, since you both are very short, and carry on. Find another. Someone who deserves you,”

She rolled her eyes and turned to examine some murals and to start copy every detail of them for future studies, Varric just sighed and patted Dorian on the shoulder as he walked over to the Iron Bull.

“It is not that easy, Sparkler,” he noted “Bull, do you find anything worthwhile there?”

“I would really appreciate if you didn't just loot my peoples old temple,” Lavellan muttered as she sat down on a stone table, or maybe altar, elevating an orb of light close to the mural so she could see all the details.

“I'll write a list,” Bull replied “Mostly just... stuff here. Like useless stuff. Pretty but no use for us other than selling,”

“I'll just copy these murals and some other stuff, keep watch in the meanwhile will you? I'd hate for more spiders to show up,”

“Always the spiders,” Bull sighed “But yeah, sounds like a plan. Where to after you are done?”

“I don't know... Back to Caer Bronach maybe? To wait out the winter in peace and then return to Skyhold?” she asked and let out a loud sigh “I wish I could go back home to Skyhold right away. Damn snow,”

“Caer Bronach is the middle of nowhere” Dorian moaned “Why can't you have your winter palace somewhere else? Like Val Rouyal? God that would be exciting, you and me, maybe Josy, strolling around all the fancy parties passing shade on all those who do us wrong,”

“Sounds like hell,” Lavellan concluded “I hate Orleisan nobles, remember? I would kill someone. In a politically incorrect way, and then Josy would have a fit trying to clean it up and the Inquisition would be at war with Orlais,”

“I... I think that is a pretty reasonable prediction of what would happen,” Varric chuckled

“I like Caer Bronach,” Lavellan continued “It is calm, people can reach me with their endless problems which keeps them happy and I can disappear out in the wilderness as well. It is a good compromise since I'm not allowed to lock myself up in Skyhold for 6 months of peace and quiet. I bet they would find ways though, if I were there during the winters. Somehow they would find a way to come to me with their idiotic problems,”

“Hey, you are a problem solver boss,” Bull mused “You shouldn't have solved every problem in Thedas sorting out the Breach, they saw that you can do all the things they don't want to,”

“Yeah.. I should have just glared at them, giving every idiot we met a knife and his opponent a knife and said 'Battle it out, the winner gets to win, I'll go and use your armies to fight the real danger in the meantime. Have fun', or what?”

“It would have been fun,” Bull said with a dreamy voice “So many people getting mad because you don't care about their shit. Orleisans are crazy,”

“But are you sure? Just... go back to the fort and wait out winter?” Varric looked at her trying to decipher the Inquisitors demeanour as she sat there drawing “No crazy chases after Chuckles?”

She sighed and turned her eyes from the murals to her friends and took a deep breath;

“No more chases,” she said “... I need to live. And there are more pressing issues, like the few remaining rifts and idiots needing me to make them stop obstructing the peace. If... If he wants to find me I am sure he can do that. If not.. then Dorian is right. It is stupid to hang on to people who aren't there any more. He has been clear with what he wants. He wants me to move on... I won't say I'm doing that just yet but... I won't go insane over him. I just... forget it,”

She turned her eyes back to the mural and sighed, fighting the water rising in her eyes.

“If he wants me he can come and get me,” she mumbled cursing the gravel in her voice.

“Oh darling,” Dorian mumbled and hopped up next to her on the table “If he was any kind of man he would. He would crawl back begging for you just to glance at him again. Like Viv would say; Get mad, Lavellan. He deserves to get mad at,”

“This is why we Qunari don't do this relationship thing,” Bull muttered “So complicated,”

“It's really not,” Dorian protested “If people were to be honest and not cowards it would be easy. You love someone? Then you treat them as the king or queen of your world and make sure that every day is filled with something that make the two of you a bit better and a bit happier. It is... But people are cowards, and they lie and hurt those who give them their hearts. Idiots,”

“...” Bull fell silent and glanced at Dorian for a moment too long and mumbled “Am I an idiot?”

“You haven't left me on a rubble of rocks after uttering melodramatic words never to be seen again have you?” Dorian softly said and stroke Lavellans back to comfort her quietly “You are doing quite well on the romance bit, and I give you leeway. After all, you are Qunari,”

“Not any more,” Bull sighed “Tal-Vashoth, that is what I am,”

“Well, I think that is great,” Varric said “If you don't have friends sticking up for you, you have nobody stick up for you. And you really stuck up for the Chargers when it counted, Bull, which was the right thing to do,”

“I know” Bull groaned “I know... both of you stop looking so pleased with it all. Focus on Lavellan, not on me,”

“Lavellan hates being emotional in front of anyone, I will focus on your flaws until she feels better,” Dorian replied with a vicious but friendly smile “So, please tell me about all the insecurities you gain by fucking a Vint, Bull?”

“Oh come on that is not fair! Varric!”

“Oh no, this will be fun. Please, Dorian, enlighten me about The Iron Bulls insecurities?

She was grateful for Dorians quick change of focus in the conversation and disappeared into her drawing, painstakingly catching every detail and line in the mural while her companions chatted away. It was a good way to change her own focus, to work through the pain until it settled somewhere deep inside her where it didn't bother her as much.

As she was ready to put down the pencil she felt calmer, less prone to sudden attacks of tears. She glanced at them all, they had settled for a quick game of Wicked Grace as they waited;

“I'm ready to go now. Thank you for your patience every one,”

“It was nothing, dear,” Dorian chirped and got up on his feet “There is nothing like spending a sunny afternoon down in a damp ruin playing cards with your friends, may I see the drawing?”

“It's not that impressive,” she mumbled but gave him the notepad “I'm better at spells than drawing. The twins, do you remember them? From my clan? They are true artists,”

“Oh I do remember them,” he smiled “Rascals, both of them. Oh these are divine, Ellana! If you ever tire of running the world you should come to Tevinter, I could be your patron and we would rule the social scene,”

“Yeah” she said with a raised eyebrow “Tevinter might not be a place for me. Their treatment of elves... might pose a problem. A problem that might end with me killing a lot of magistrates,”

“That would be horrendously fun, and bad for my reputation,” Dorian noted “Maybe not Tevinter. How about Antiva? You like the sun, don't you? I think you would do fabulous in Antiva if we just got you socialized,”

She shook her head and walked away from him grinning. Dorian was so outrageous sometimes, but in a fun way.

“Why don't you take Bull with you?” she asked over her shoulder “If it is scandal you want I bet moving in with a former Ben-Hassrath would rank high on the list?”

“Oh it would but he has already declined. Krem couldn't go back to Tevinter you know, and Bull wouldn't leave his Chargers behind,”

“And I guess the idea of us overturning the whole Tevinter Imperium just to grant Krem a way to get back into the country safely wasn't worth it” Bull piped in with a grin “I would like that,”

“Bet you would, but if we kill the whole Empire it won't really be going home as starting a war,” Dorian pointed out.

“You are all mad. I like these trips,” Varric smiled “So much stuff for my books. I should do a romance epic about a rogue Tevinter mage and his lover the big Qunari warrior who fight both the Qun and Tevinter to be able to be together. Might do better than Swords and Shields, what do you think?”

“Cassandra would be heartbroken if you stopped writing Swords and Shields,” Ellana pointed out as she heaved herself the last bit out of the ruin.

“We couldn't have that,” Varric laughed as Bull lifted him up “So should we return to tell Josy we are going to Fereldan?”

“She will protest,” Ellana thoughtfully mumbled “I'll send her a courier from the next town. I'm sure it will be fine,”

“It's your head,” Varric said with a shrug and grin “Come, let's go find those mounts!”

 


	18. Back to work

She sighed a sigh of relief as they rode in through the gates of Caer Bronach and nodded to Charter as the elf came to greet them.

“Inquisitor!” the scout said and walked by her horse going through some messages “Lady Montilyet will arrive in a few days, she did want me to inform you that she does not appreciate you running off like this,”

Ellana smiled and nodded;

“It is noted, can we arrange a fruit basket or some other present for her for when she arrives? I do want to apologise for doing that. She needs to know I am grateful for all her help,”

“As you wish, Inquisitor,” Charter said “The Bannorn are also wondering when we will hand the keep over to Fereldan. They... seem to not like having our forces here,”

Charter glanced up at the Inquisitor, her nervous demeanour telling Ellana there was more to this than just some whining from the local lords.

“Have there been problems with the Fereldans?”

“Nothing to serious yet. A young noble man and a few of his fathers soldiers did try to attack one of our patrols a week ago, claiming to try and run us off the land. It was nothing we could not handle, and the Fereldans were barely hurt during the scuffle but... It is unsettling,”

“No rest. Ever,” the Inquisitor sighed “I will have a talk to this noble as soon as I've unpacked. Are our men okay?”

“Of course,” Charter said with a shrug “We have the best soldiers in Thedas, the Commander has trained them well. I have some messages for Master Tethras and Master Pavus as well,”

“Carry on, Charter. Boys, I'll meet you later when I've gone through my mail,” she said to her friends and left her horse to one of the stable hands making way towards one of the towers with her bundle of letters under her arm.

It was mostly nobles complaining and wanting her to solve every other problem they had and blaming her for the rest. She sighed and put them in a ' make Josephine write an answer' pile, there was a few from admirers to that were put in another pile to be forgotten later and one from Cullens sister telling the Inquisitor that she had to order Cullen to come and visit because he was to become an uncle. It mad her smile. Cullen was so bad at replying that Josephine and Lavellan both regularly got letters from her telling them to tell him things.

Letter in hand she went to find Charter, or the Commander. The Commander proved much easier to find than the scout, as he was drilling soldiers down at the courtyard.

“Commander, a word,” she called out from the upper level and Cullen gave her a nod and turned to Bryce to take over the session.

He looked worried as he approached and she frowned at his hesitation.

“Relax, I'm just here to order you to go home to your sister since you are to be an uncle,” she smiled and he nodded

“Of course. Sure. I'll try and do that. Good that your back. I need to talk to you,”

“About the nobles? You know Josy isn't here, we could just annex the whole valley and than make her write apology letters telling Queen Anora that she was away so we went crazy,”

“By the Maker, no!” he said clearly not getting that it was a joke the first five seconds, then he laughed “Very funny. It has crossed my mind. But no. It needs to be handled now though. The boy who attacked our men is in the dungeon. His father demands we hand him back, but our men will not take it well if we just allow this to go unpunished. I couldn't make the decision myself, not with you and Josephine away and Leliana in Val Royal preparing her coronation...”

“I'll handle it,” she said with a calm smile “I will not allow them to attack our forces, Cullen, and the Lord will have to deal with it,”

“You sound like Cassandra” he groaned “Speaking of Cassandra, she sent a message. She has found a few more Seekers,”

“Good for her,” Lavellan said with feigned interest “Any reports on when we can return to Skyhold?”

“Harding and Charter think the roads will be acceptable in a month,”

His answer made her groan and that characteristic smirk came upon his face.

“I am sure the local Lord is just as displeased with that as you are, Inquisitor. Maybe you can bond over that?”

“That or I'll shove my mark in his face telling him to remember that I saved his village and lands from hordes of demons,” she muttered “I've always respected Fereldans interests. Why are they so stubborn?”

“I believe it is called that no good deed goes unpunished,” Varric noted entering the room “I've got some news, Sparks,”

“Not good news, I bet?” she sighed and sat down “Cullen, I'll deal with the nobles. Go and tell the men we got their back,”

“Of course,” the Commander left and Varric sighed as they were alone.

“It's Aveline,” he said handing her a letter “Kirkwall is a mess. I need to go back and help them. You can handle this, can't you? I mean you got Curly, Josephine, Bull and all the others. I...”

“Go, Varric,” she interrupted with an understanding smile “If Kirkwall needs you, go. I'll be here when you've saved the city and all that. Don't worry,”

“I do worry,” he sighed “Maybe Dagna could watch you during the nights? If a dwarf helps I mean. I bet she would find it fascinating,”

“I'll handle it,” she assured him masking the sorrow in her heart well “Do not worry about me,”

“Oh I will,” the dwarf sighed “I will worry because you are always up to dangerous stuff, but try to be safe, okay? We care about you, and Thedas needs you,”

“Can't make any promises,” she smirked “Now go pack! A city needs you, master Tethras! Don't make them sink further into despair!”

He chuckled as he left and she sighed taking a moment to feel sad before she put the mask on again. It was natural that they needed to get back to their own lives. One by one they would leave, wishing her the best and promising everlasting friendship.

“It was the last day of spring. They were all watching, waiting for the best moment to talk. Pallen and Neris had not been seen all day. You thought they were angry with you, for leaving. Felthon gave you one of his knives, the blade was sharp enough to split leaves and the hilt was carved halla horn engraved with the Gods animals. He told you to watch out for wolfs and to remember to keep your guard up. You smiled at him and told him not to worry, he frowned but said nothing. Pallen and Neris came out of the woods when you had left camp, handing you that blanket you always carry. They tried to be cheerful, telling you to write of your adventures and to come back home soon. You left before any of you started to cry. You felt so alone on that road as they disappeared out of sight. But you never were. Felthon had the scouts follow you for days to make sure you weren't hurt. Just like they did we will be here too, even if you don't see us. You're not alone,”

“I know Cole,” she mumbled and felt the spirits hands find their ways to her hair and carefully start to braid a part of it as he sat beside her.

“They were all very happy when you came back,” he mumbled “The way you make everybody feel safe is nice,”

She smirked and sighed;

“They are just as safe without me here. I'm just another mage, really. With a glowing hand,”

“You are hope,” he replied “Safety, a reminder that all will be well. Justice and order returns with you. You make things right. People like that,”

“Yeah... especially the nobles,” she scoffed glancing at him “That's why they want to throw us out and attack us,”

“The boy was angry. The fort was to be his to save. He lost men trying to take it back, to the demons and bandits. His father was very angry with him, telling him that he was no good. He needed to prove himself, that he wouldn't lose to some upstart. Gain his fortress back,”

“Blighters,” she muttered “Why do idiots flock to beat me? Can't they just tend to their own shit and not add to mine?”

“I don't know,” Cole said and stroke her hand “He is scared of you. I tried to tell him not to be but he is too scared, he thinks you will kill him”

She scoffed and got up and walked to the dungeons undoing Coles flimsy braid on the way. As she walked down she noted Dorian and Bull engaged in what looked as a rather deep conversation but she didn't investigate it further. If it was anything important they would come to her sooner or later.

She sighed as she entered the dungeon and looked at the young man that had led the attack on her men. He could not be a day over 20 and he was cowered in the back of his cell while his men seemed to sit in theirs a lot more relaxed. They were probably around their 30ths to 40ths and looked like seasoned men.

“You there,” she said looking at the young noble “Explain the assault on my troops. We have every right to be here,”

“I-inquisitor,” he stammered and glanced at his men, forcing himself to focus and steady his voice “You have no such rights! These are the lands of my father and you are seizing our fort! I have every right to drive you off!”

“Oh for f...” one of the soldiers sighed “Inquisitor, please. The boy is an idiot, we only followed orders. Do what you will with him, but can we go home? My daughter is to have a child soon, I'd like to be there,”

Lavellan glanced at the soldier and nodded;

“You will be free to go soon, I need to talk to your commander first though. Assaulting my troops is nothing I can take lightly,”

“Sure, we get that. We have been here a week though, maybe we could go back, you keep the boy and we tell the Lord that he needs to come and discuss what to do with the idiot?”

She sighed and glanced at the boy. His eyes had gone glazed with tears as he realized there was no loyalty towards him left with his men.

“We can carry a ransom too if you want to?” another piped in and she frowned

“I do not want a ransom. I want my people to be left alone. I will send the lot of you to your lord, with an escort. If anything happens during that trip, my men will have orders to kill you. Do you understand that?”

“Of course, ma'm,” the soon to be grandfather said “It's reasonable. We didn't want to attack your people, Inquisitor, but orders are orders,”

She glanced at the jailer and sighed

“Take the boy to the war room, I'll need to interrogate him there. I'll see when I send you lot back to your lord,”

“Don't fuck this up boy,” the soldiers snarled at the young man as he was led out the dungeon.

 

Lavellan glared at the chained noble as she entered the war room and muttered;

“Harding, can you take down the transcript?”

“Of course, Inquisitor,” the dwarf said and brought out in and paper “Josephine will want a report,”

“Yes..” Lavellan sighed and looked at their prisoners “What is your name, sh... boy?”

“Henrich Wulff, grandson to the arl of West Hills! My family will know of this! You will not take what is ours!” the young man barked.

Ellana restrained from slapping the boy and calling him silly, instead she muttered a soft curse and locked her eyes on him.

“Henrich Wulff. You are accused of attacking the troops of the Inquisition, and it is your claim that such an assault was warranted due to our presence at Caer Bronach?”

“Yes! The Breach is closed. There are no rifts in this area! You are not needed, nor wanted, in Crestwood any more! Fereldan did not submit to the Orleisans taking our lands, and I will rather die than to let some knife-ear and her army take them from us now!”

He fell to the ground with a thud and moan. Lavellan didn't even have time to react, it was Hardin steel clad boots that had landed him there and the dwarf was leaning over the young man hissing;

“Oi, boy! You do not, ever, talk to the Inquisitor like that! Do you hear me!? Never!”

“Harding, let him up,” Ellana mumbled caught by surprise by the whole situation “And do not... kick our prisoner again,”

“I'm sorry, ma'm,” Harding said through clinched teeth “But I will not allow him to call you such things, never,”

“It's fine,” Ellana said and hunched down to help the boy up into a seating position “You didn't think clearly, right Henrich? It won't happen again, will it?”

“N-no” he blubbered and she saw how hard he was trying to act like the hardened warrior he thought himself to be.

All she saw was a boy trying to be a leader, a warrior and failing miserably.

“Do your family know on what grounds you came here?” she asked and he shook his head snivelling

“No. I tried to get father to petition the Queen, but he said we could do nothing against the Inquisition. That the crown would not support our cause, no matter if it was a true cause. That is not fair. We... We do not deserve to lose our lands just because we couldn't close the rifts on our own! Nobody else lost their lands, Arl Tegan of Redcliff still got his and he lost them to Tevinter!”

She sighed and glanced Hardings way, the dwarfs face was impossible to read once more and she was scribbling down the words.

“I understand that,” Lavellan sighed “And we do not make any claims to the lands nor its riches. We are manning the fortress, that is true. The Queen granted us it for a place where we can retreat during the winters, a place in Fereldan where we can have some of our troops to be able to move quickly on threats within the lands. We do have fortresses in Orlais as well,”

“You don't understand,” the boy sobbed “It's not about taxes or... or fortresses. Not really. The people of Crestwood come to you for justice and for aid now. We are... You may not in a legal way have taken the lands, but... you have taken them. You control the road, the fortress and their hearts,”

“I can not dictate what is in peoples hearts,” Lavellan scoffed “If you want their loyalty you earn it, and not by attacking the Inquisition. You have hurt your family far more than I ever could if that was your thought process,”

“...I... I thought that if I proved that you can't protect them...”

“Enough,” Lavellan barked angered by the boys reckless plan “Listen carefully, Henrich Wulff of West Hills. I will only tell you once; Honour and the loyalty of others comes from proving that you deserve those things, not from trying to pull those above you into the mud. It is your actions, and your actions alone that has made the people of Crestwood think of their Lord as someone not to be trusted. I have met your grandfather. He would be ashamed to call you kin if he knew what you have done!”

She moved away from him with disgust and turned to Harding.

“Write down the following on a blank page, I'm sending Arl Wulff a message;

Greetings from the Inquisitor to you Gallagher, arl of West Hills.

It is with a heavy heart I write to you my Lord;

Upon arriving back to Caer Bronach from a diplomatic mission to Orlais it came to my attention that your grandson, Henrich Wulff was imprisoned in my dungeon after have assaulted a patrol of my soldiers.

The boy and those of his fathers soldiers that he had commanded to follow him on this endeavour are safe and sound.

I am sending this letter with a few of them as a token of my respect for you and your house.

Henrich claims to have attacked my troops to prove the Inquisition weak and to regain the trust of the people of Crestwood, as well as proving that we are weak enough to be driven from these lands. I assume, since I know of your valour and have a great respect for the way you handle your domains, that this is not actions sanctioned by his Arl.

As Inquisitor of the Inquisition I come to you asking what you would have me do with the boy. I am willing to hand him over to you expecting him to be justly punished for this outrageous act of violence against my men, believing that you would be as just as any man of valour in such proceedings. The boys crime do however fall under Inquisition jurisdiction as well, and I am well aware that me handing the boy back to his kin after such travesty may seem weak on our part. That is something we can not have at this moment, which I hope you understand. We are still hard at work routing out the lingering evils left by Corypheus and the Breach.

Thus I leave it to your capable hands to determine who you want to judge the boy, me or you?

 

Awaiting your reply with great patience and respect.

Inquisitor Lavellan”

She frowned as she ended the letter and looked down at the sobbing youth at her feet.

“You should be glad they didn't kill you when you attacked. I'll release the soldiers that came with you, to deliver this letter. You are staying in the dungeon until I've heard from your family on how we should resolve this. Harding, see to it that the letter get sent and that we have an escort for the soldiers. And get this boy down into his cell again,”

“Yes, ma'm,” Harding saluted the Inquisitor as Lavellan left the room and went to go tell Cullen the results.

She raised an eyebrow passing the Charges spot on the courtyard, Bull was sparring with Krem. Very very violently. Hmpf... she would need to check that nothing had happened later.

She shot over the training grounds, through the rows of soldiers training to get to Cullen.

“Cullen,” she noted as she reached him where he stood watching over the drill “I'm solving the noble-situation. I want an escort for the soldiers that attacked our men, they are going back to West Hills with a message for the arl. Send some of our best with them, okay? I want to show that we are serious. Both to the Fereldans and to our men,”

He gave her a nod and asked;

“And the brat?”

“He stays. I have included a question to the arl on who he wants judging the brat, but pointed out that I assume he will show no mercy if he takes on the task. Despite it being his grandson. Honour and good faith and stuff,” she answered and Cullen tried to keep himself from smirking.

“And stuff? I hope you put it more elegantly in the letter, Inquisitor,” he mused “It seems a fair deal though. I am sure all sides will be pleased,”

“Well though luck if they aren't,” she muttered “I really don't care if the arl gets upset over me holding his grandson when said grandson tried to kill my men,”

Cullen nodded, he agreed fullheartedly.

“Dorian asked for you a while back,” he then said “He seemed... solemn I guess?”

“I'll go check,” she sighed “Harding has the letter, if she wants to join the group to West hills I think it might be good. Can you have them ready to leave today?”

“Of course, I'll see to it,”

She left Cullen in charge of the rest of the matter for the moment and started to search the fortress for yet another man, but this time a Tevinter mage not a Fereldan templar.  


	19. Farewells

Dorian was to be found at the tower that overlooked the lake and she sighed as she could see by the slope of his shoulders that he was not happy.  
“What's wrong?” the Inquisitor asked as she leaned against the battlements glancing at her friends.  
Dorian just sighed and passed her a letter, she could straight away see the sign of house Pavus on the front and opened it with some hesitation.  
She skimmed it and frowned, it wasn't from his family but from Maevaris Tilan sent under the Pavus name.  
“They need me to come back,” he sighed staring out over the lake “I...May I?”  
She frowned and scoffed at his silly questions;  
“You are your own man, Dorian. What kind of stupid question is that? Of course you can leave. I don't force anyone to stay. By the Gods why even ask?!”  
It came of more heated than she had intended and it was his turn scoffing;  
“Because Varric is leaving. And you are having dreams that resembles the early stages of possession in more ways than one, and because I doubt how you will dress yourself in the morning without me around to tell you how to co-ordinate your colours. Will you be all right if I leave?”  
“I will,” she muttered and stared out over the lake with an icy glare.  
“Oh please,” he groaned “You give the dwarf an okay and a joke and becomes bitchy with me? I am flattered, but please!”  
“I'm not...” she clinched her jaw and dug her nails into the battlements “People are free to leave as they please. I'll be fine! What more do you want from me!?”  
“I don't know,” Dorian muttered and started to walk inside “I'm leaving tomorrow, it seems to be urgent,”  
She sighed and forced the ice out of her heart and mumbled;  
“It will be faster if you go by Amaranthine, Dorian. I'm heading to West Hill for some stupid shit, shall we go together? I mean...”  
He stopped and looked at her with a warm smile but sad eyes;  
“Ellana. You are a terrible liar. If you want to come along, I'd welcome it but aren't we past you making up lies to not seem like you care?”  
She gave him a small shrug and replied;  
“I don't know. I'm just... I don't want you to leave. But I understand. If they need you back home than you should go. It's just a...not so pleasant feeling being left behind,”  
“I'm not leaving you behind,” he answered and stepped up to her giving her a hug “You are my best friend, Lavellan, I'm just going to go bother someone else for a while. Making people stop being silly so you don't have to come and smack them with a tempest,”  
“I will do that if you want me to,” she mumbled and he laughed.  
“Oh I would pay to see that. You marching in during the middle of some Magister summit and barking at everyone, punishing those who doesn't listen with a lightning bolt to the face. It would be a marvellous scandal. The Magisters of Tevinter, scolded by the Herald of Andraste, a Dalish elf. Sadly we can't do that just yet. I will write you when we can though, and then you have to come visit. And I'm not going away for good, it might feel that way because you will miss me so much, but I'm not,”  
She smiled softly and leaned her forehead against his chest.  
“...I wish I could ask you to stay, but I won't. I'll have to manage. I'm good at managing,”  
“I know, darling, I know,” he said softly “And if anything happens, you write me. Okay? Promise,”  
She nodded and sighed;  
“...There will be people leaving tomorrow, for West Hills. Go with them, and make sure to be safe as you travel back home. I'd hate to lose you,”  
“I'd hate that too,” he smirked “I'll be fine. Bull refuses to let me go without him and the Charges escorting me to Amaranthine. He is cute,”  
She nodded and felt the knot in her stomach tighten. Was Bull leaving too?  
“...Is he coming with you?”  
Dorian just laughed at her and shook her head eyes glistening with tears by the absurdity of the thought.  
“No. No I am not taking my Qunari lover with me to Minrathos. I am a sucker for scandals but I do not want them to kill me on sight. Besides, you need him far more than I do. We both know that, and I feel much better knowing the two of you will have each other here. My two favourite people looking out for the other while I'm away. It is great,”  
“I'll take care of him,” she promised and sighed “...Varric suggested I'll ask Dagna to monitor my sleep. Is it a good idea?”  
“She knows as much about magic as any mage here, so I guess so,” Dorian agreed “If it gets worse, contact me. I'll come as soon as I can,”  
She nodded and smiled, faintly. Tevinter was far away. She knew that.  
“I'm going to pack now,” he said “I can't leave without a few nice outfits to take along with me,”  
“I'll... stay here. Take some air,” she replied and he nodded  
“Don't brood too much though, it gives one wrinkles,”  
“I'll be fine,”  
She saw Cole in the doorway as Dorian left and sighed;  
“I know,”  
“If he could stay he would. It hurts him to leave, he liked this life. He liked being around you and Bull,”  
She nodded and stared out over the lake;  
“But he has responsibilities. Tevinter needs him far more than we do,” she sighed “I know that. It's just... not that many of us left here. Blackwall is on his pointless apology tour, Cassandra is looking for Seekers, Vivianne is trying to reshape the Circles, Leliana is the Divine, Varric is leaving, Dorian is leaving, Solas is gone... It's just you, Bull, Cullen and Josephine left...”  
“And you,” the spirit softly pointed out.  
“I'm not much company for me,” she stated with her gaze lost in the lakes waves  
“If you need them they will come,” Cole comforted her “They all worry about you, and wants you to be safe and happy,”  
“Doesn't change a thing,” she muttered “They can wish for my happiness as much as they want. Wishing changes nothing. I'm just... I want to go home. I want to go to Skyhold. I'm sick of this winter. I'm sick of all the petty squabbles I'm pulled into. I want to go to Skyhold and just... I don't know... feel at home,”  
“It is your fortress,” Cole agreed “It was sad when we left. I am sure it misses you. It likes you very much,”  
She smiled softly and gazed upon him with some wonder;  
“That is... strangely reassuring to hear,”  
“It was very glad that you visited when you did, earlier this winter,” he continued with a smile “I miss it too. Skyhold is nice, a bit strange but nice,”  
“Like you then,” she smirked and gave him a soft hug “Thank you, for helping me, Cole,”  
“I like helping,” he answered returning the hug.

She forced herself to smile and be chirpy when Varric and Dorian left with the escort and prisoners the rest morning. She wanted to cry and ask them to stay, but she couldn’t. She was the Inquisitor. She did not weep, she did not beg.  
So she smiled, hugged them and wished them a nice trip. Then she asked Cullen to make sure she wasn't disturbed and fled up to the hills. To that cavern where the wyren had been hiding. It was stupid really, Solas and she had sneaked up there after the Rift in the lake had been dealt with, and they had met Alistair in his hide out. They had talked for hours, mostly him telling her about the Fade.  
He was so happy talking about the Fade. His voice filled with warmth and wonder, she still smiled when she thought of his passionate descriptions and how he yearned to answer her questions and tell her his tales. That cave had felt like their place. Their sacred hideout from the world.  
Now it was empty. Like all their special places.  
All the ruins she visited. All the paths they had walked, felt empty. That gnawing feeling of doom creeping closer made itself known and she forced away the tears dragging her fingers over the abandoned wyvern nest.  
They would all leave, eventually. Go back to their own lives. The Inquisition would disband, when they weren't needed any more. That day drew closer every day. She had nothing to return to. The clan would not need her, she would if anything be a burden to them with her fame and her enemies.  
She guessed she could join Fiona at the college of Enchanters but she didn't really care for all the politics that would mean. She sighed and slid down the rock wall near the pond and drew a shivering sobbing breath.  
She felt so lost. What would she be, without the Inquisition? Could she stay at Skyhold without them? What good would that do? Alone in her fortress on the mountain.  
The voices in the back of her head spoke of the eternal need for justice, but they were ancient. The world hardly made sense to them. They didn't get it. To wield justice you needed power to back it up. Without a purpose the Inquisition had no power.  
She wiped tears of frustration and loss of her face, but they just kept coming.

So lost was she to her thoughts that she didn't even hear Bull approach, making her startle as he softly said;  
“Thought I would find you here, Boss. Are you okay?”  
After a moment of embarrassed silence and frantic wiping of the tears and clearing her throat she mumbled a lying;  
“Yes. Of course I am. Just... lost myself to memories and worries for a moment. Didn't mean to worry you, why are you here? Weren't you going with Dorian?”  
He nodded and sighed;  
“Do you mind if I join you? I... told the Chargers to escort Dorian and Varric. I... coudln't. Too much feelings. I feel like... I need to just not be The Ironbull for a moment,”  
She nodded and made space for him beside her.  
“I sorely need to not be the Inquisitor too,” she admitted “... The Inquisitor doesn't cry anyway,”  
“Neither does The Ironbull,” he sighed and sat down with a deep sigh “... shit... I told myself that it wouldn't be so hard to see him go... but...”  
“It's always hard,” she whispered “When they go. When they aren't there. When you think of them. When you can't touch them.... At least you will see him again. He'll write. He loves you,”  
Bull nodded;  
“I just don't... The Vints don't deserve him. And we... If he stays there. If he... I won't be able to go there. I don't do Tevinter,”  
“I understand,” she mumbled “You can meet in Nevarra. Or something. I'm sure he'll work with you. If you want to,”  
Bull nodded again;  
“Yeah... It's just shit right now,”  
“That's fine,” she replied staring at the pond in front of them “... I... can we just be quiet now? I really want to be quiet,”  
“Yeah.. Quiet sounds good,”  
And there they sat in silence, allowing themselves and each other just to be grieving the departure of their friends and loved ones. Being just their sad selves without the demands of their public personas.  
After a good while Bull sighed and glanced at her;  
“Do you miss him like this every day?”  
“Not any more,” she replied in a sigh “But sometimes. When I remember his touch, or his smile. When I begin to wonder how he could just leave, and why he looked so sad sometimes. All the riddles he left unanswered... It makes me worry, and yes... When I think of him I miss him. It's like a missing limb. I'm getting used to be without it but... when I think of it it is painfully clear that it's not there and that I miss it,”  
“That's not very reassuring,” he muttered and she shrugged  
“I'm really not good at reassuring people. Cole does that. I'm... more of a truth sayer, brutal and fairly undiplomatic. I still don't know what the hell they were thinking making me Inquisitor,”  
“You're a great leader,” he simply said “You make people believe in you, without even working for it. The sheer determination with which you do stuff make people believe you are right. Who the hell would walk into the Winter Palace and telling Celene, that Gaspard and Brialla they are all shit at running a country and telling them to work together or you'll make them just like that? You did it like you had every right, which gave you the right. It's weird, but it is how it works,”  
“They were stupid. People were dying by the thousands because of their stupid,” she muttered and he laughed  
“I know, boss, I know. And you made them stop, momentarily anyway. That is why you are the Inquisitor. You call it like it is, and do your damnedest to make it right. That is why I like you, and nations fear you,”  
“Wish they would stop being stupid then,” she sighed “But no. They won't. Come, lets go back. We don't want Cullen organizing a search party for us,”  
He chuckled and rose to his feet, taking her on his shoulders when they got out of the tunnels and carried her back to Caer Bronach. She was glad she had Bull, very very glad.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the supersuperlong wait!!

A few weeks went by, Lavellan and Bull did their best to bide their time until the snow would melt enough for them to return to Skyhold. They hunted some bandits that tried to establish themselves around Crestwood, went looking for dragons that weren't there and for ruins to explore. It wasn't the same though. Without Varrics bantering or Dorians narcissistic jests they felt lonely.

She watched the qunari lose his gaze into the distance far too often, and not even the prospect of killing things seemed to really cheer him up.

They sat around the fire one night, listening to the rain drinking spiced wine when Carther appeared in the doorway. She seemed nervous.

“Inquisitor,”

“Yes?” Ellana sighed and glanced the scouts way “Is it a dragon? Please be a dragon,”

“...No ma'm… It is.. Arl Wulff. With a lot of men,”

Ellana glanced Bulls way and a self-destructing grin was over his face;

“Think he will attack, boss? We can take him,”

“I hope not… I can't be bothered going to Denerim trying to explain to the Royals that I have not declared war but was just defending myself. Fucking shems… always causing trouble,” she sighed and rose from her chair, grabbed her cape and followed Carther out to the gates.

He had brought maybe a hundred men. She sighed and called out to the arl down below;

“What is the meaning of this? You won't need half an army to pick up the boy!”

“I'm here to talk, Inquisitor, let me in. It is my castle after all,” the arl replied and she sighed, waving to her men to open the gates.

“If you attack I'll respond,” she called down as she moved around the battlements to meet him.

The arl was a big man, hair grey as a wolfs, bearded with a battleaxe hanging over his back. He was dressed in dark leather armour and his eyes glistened with a wary intelligence making her think he was something else than the other Fereldan nobles that had bothered her.

He eyed her as he dismounted his horse and she noticed that she involuntary straightened her back and felt a need to avert her eyes, but she didn't. With that cold glance hard as steel she met his eyes raising one eyebrow still awaiting an explanation for his presence.

He cracked up in a smile and put forward his hand while saying;

“My men made you sound 10 feet tall, Inquisitor, I can see why. I am Gallagher Wulff, as I am sure you know. I came to discuss the matter of my nephew,”

She took the hand, noting his strong confident grip and nodded. In the corner of her eye she saw Josephine hurry down the steps. The Ambassador had gone to bed early that night, trying to cure a cold she had caught.

“My lord Wulff,” Josephine panted “We did not expect you!”

“I know, I am sorry. I wanted to see the Inquisitor without the veneer. Showing up with some of my men unannounced seemed sufficient for that,”

“I could have just attacked,” Ellana muttered “There is no shortage of idiots trying to attack us nowadays,”

“Inquisitor!”

Wulff laughed. She thought she might like arl Wulff.

“No harm done, Ambassador, we met a few of the bandits on our way here. I am very grateful for the Inquisition keeping Crestwood safe during the winter. My men have their hands full anyway. May we go inside? I detest getting water inside my armour.”

Lavellan nodded and took him and Josephine up to the room where Bull was waiting. The good arl flinched as he saw the qunari warrior waiting for them as they entered.

“Arl Wulff, the Iron Bull, the Iron Bull, Arl Wulff,” Lavellan said and ordered some servants to find some more chairs for Josephine and the Arl.

“...A qunari, Inquisitor?” the arl asked and Bull pulled a face

“Tal-Vashoth, my lord. I am the leader of the mercenary company The Bulls Chargers,”

“And a close friend of mine,” Lavellan interjected “He was part of my inner circle when we took down Corypheus,”

Arl Wulff nodded and put forward his hand to Bull as well, who shook it watching the arl with great interest.

“So. My nephew. Is he well?”

“He is. Feeling somewhat slighted being put in a dungeon with the other criminals, but he is in fine health,” Lavellan replied with a dry crooked smile as she offered the arl some spiced wine “I am happy to hand him over to you as long as he will be punished. I can not allow people attacking my men and getting away with it,”

“Of course not,” the arl answered as he sipped the wine “Hmm..where is the wine from? Antiva?”

“I don't know,” Lavellan replied “We found it in the cellars of Skyhold. But has a nice warmth to it, so we took it with us,”

The arls piercing eyes were locked on her in shock for a moment and then he looked back on his wine and said;

“Inquisitor… I...”

“Don't bother” Bull laughed “There is no use in telling her how valuable such wine probably is. Josy has tried so many times, but Lavellan has no grasp of such things. Which is nice, lots of good things to drink,”

“It's just wine,” Lavellan sighed and saw Josephine cringe a bit “It was free too, so… yeah.. enjoy. What would happen to him if I released him to you, arl?”

“I'll take him home, demote him of his military ranks since he clearly can not handle them and probably send him off to watch the forest,”

“The forest?”

“The Kocari wilds. We have words of mages hiding out there, we need to keep it under control. I don't mind mages as long as they are decent people, but… yeah… having a camp of them in the Wilds is a bit unnerving,”

“All mages are welcome to approach the Inquisition, you could send them that message,” Lavellan suggested and he nodded thoughtfully;

“Still, you have this connection with the Chantry that many mages find suspicious and this new College of Enchanters. We will see if they don't pose a threat they are free to live there. Hopefully, they keep the barbarians busy,”

Ellana forced her face to remain neutral. She despised the 'civilized' humans way to look down on all that weren't willing to submit to their society. Josy had urged her to keep it to herself though, since it caused too many diplomatic incidents if she were to call out every bigot they dealt with.

“The boy ordered the attack on my troops,” she noted and th arl gave her a nod

“For which we, the house of Wulff apologizes. I can't have him executed, Inquisitor, I have far too little family left after the Blight and this war between the Templar and Mages as it is. His father would never forgive me,”

“His father should have done a better job raising him,” she grumbled and saw the arls eyes grow darker “I am sorry, it was wrong of me to say that. Forgive me. This winter has been challenging. Your nephew is not the only one who has tried to attack us or claimed us to be occupying these lands,”

“Fereldans are a distrustful bunch when it comes to foreigners living in our keeps,” the arl noted once more sizing her up with his gaze “We spent a century under Orleisan rule and few like the thought of now being governed by anyone but our Kind and Queen,”

“I'm not seeking to govern. By the Gods, I… We will be leaving as soon as spring makes it safe to travel up to Skyhold. Which I have told every person that has approached us asking when we intend to leave,”

“I know,” the arl sighed and took a gulp of wine “It has been a long winter for all. Me, I am grateful for the assistance you and your men has provided to keep the region stable. My banns are a bit more suspicious. Which is also why I need to leave with the boy, I need to show that you are not walking all over me and by extension, them,”

“I get it,” she sighed “We will be leaving as soon as the mountain pass clears up. You are free to take the boy and administer whatever punishment suits you,”

“Maybe,” Josephine peep up smiling that vibrant heart-warming smile of hers “The Arl, to show that there is lasting friendship between the Inquisition and him, could send the boy to us?”

“What!?” Wulff and Lavellan barked in tandem glaring at the Ambassador.

“He has shown great skill in inspiring his men, and we have a great deal of Fereldans in our midst. He would get to train under some of the best warriors in Thedas, see the world and the Arl and the Fereldan nobles would have a man on the inside so to speak,”

“He wanted to kill me!” Lavellan raged “He is a… Josy!”

“As many of our allies have before him,” Josephine smiled and turned to the arl “If the boy was willing, would you present him with the idea? I am not saying he should stay now. That serves none of us. He goes home with you, and if he were to find his way to Skyhold or our camps on the way there, he will be welcome as a representative of the house of Wulff?”

“If he wants to,” the arl replied “I will not force the thought on the boy, only mention it,”

“As is proper,” the Ambassador agreed and let out a quiet sniffle “If you will excuse me, it is running late,”

“Of course, Lady Montilyet,” the arl rose and bowed as she left the room and then turned back to Lavellan, “We will leave tomorrow morning?”

She nodded and swept the last of her goblet of wine before topping off his and filling her own.

“Is it true you got rid of the dragon that pestered the area?” Wulff asked with a bit of wonder in his eyes.

She smiled and glanced at Bull who had been standing in the background the whole time.

“Want to tell this story, Bull? You are much better at dramatics than I am,”

The Qunari sat down with them and started telling the story as she poured him some wine. At least one of the Wulffs seemed to be a decent man, and a bellowing laugh after Bull described the dragon trying to bite through Lavellans barriers confirmed it. She liked this Arl. He was genuine.


	21. Chapter 21

After Wulff and his nephew had left three dull weeks dragged themselves past before reports came of the mountain passes being open enough for the Inquisition to return to Skyhold. Lavellan more or less forced her people to march within days pulling ahead with the Ironbull and his Chargers the same day as the report arrived. It was more than a want to get away from Fereldan and all the shem politics. It was a primal need to get home. From time to time during their journey, it felt as if the fade itself put a spring in her step and lifted her closer to her fortress. Her heartfelt anxious for reasons she couldn't grasp. But one thought circulated in her mind like a nagging nervous mantra. She needed to get home.

It was with annoyed grumbles she resigned to Bulls demand that they'd stop and rest properly the fifth day. They weren't more than one day or two's trek from the fortress now. Her very bones felt itchy. Bull and his men didn't glare at her when she grumbled about them stopping, but she knew they wanted to. She was pushing them hard, and soon they were all tired and sore from the journey. Dalish had offered to keep watch while the others managed the food and some maintenance of blisters and other ailments that had risen as they scurried through the mountains.

"Inquisitor," the elf called out half an hour into their rest "Messenger approaching,"

"A messenger?" Ellana rose from the camp fire and joined the 'archer' on the boulder she was standing on.

"Looks like Harding," Dalish noted, "Why wouldn't they send a raven?"

"Maybe she just got sick of them dragging down her pace," Ellana muttered "I'll go and meet her,"

"Okay, Inquisitor. I'll stay here and keep an eye on you and out for wolves,"

Dalish had been right, as Ellana approached the dwarven messenger climbing towards their location she could clearly see it was Scout Harding.

"Harding!" she called out "Something amiss?"

"I need to talk to you, Inquisitor," Harding panted as they reached each other on the slope "Bad news I'm afraid. Wanted to tell you in person. A raven is no good for these kind of things,"

"What kind of things?" Ellana felt her heart grow cold with fear.

Harding hesitated, glanced at the Inquisitor and looked away again afterwards. Eyeing the woods to not have to look Ellana in the eyes as she told her;

"We got news from the Free Marches just a day after you left Crestwood. Your clan… they have been killed,"

It felt like lightning struck her. Ellana couldn't think, her mind went blank and there was a terrible chill going through her entire body as her brain registered the words.

"Inquisitor... I am so sorry… Are you all right?"

"What killed them?" she didn't even recognize her own voice, and Harding visibly flinched as the cold hard words rolled off Ellanas tongue.

"Humans, Inquisitor. The details are sketchy, but it seems that… that someone targeted them because of a pox that ravaged the area or something like that,"

"Huh," Ellana muttered and felt herself turn away mumbling "The Charges are behind that boulder. I… I need a moment alone,"

She walked into the woods, her mind not even noticing that people called her name. She felt numb. Dead. Her knees gave in and she floated down to the ground, down into the snow still piling up under the protection of the trees. The cold didn't register. Nothing did. It felt as if she was falling into a deep everlasting darkness.

Felthon. Deshanna. Neris. Pallen. All of her clan. Dead?

She couldn't breathe. She couldn't see. It hurt so bad. A primal scream rose from her lungs and echoed through the forest. Somewhere far far away she felt how someone put his hands on her, rubbing her back. Words were spoken, soft whispering words of comfort. It was as if they released a flood within her. She screamed, cried and roared at the skies. She kicked the ground in desperate grief and cursed the world for all the unjust things in it.

Time was a foreign concept for the Inquisitor out there in the woods. As she came to her senses she was laying in a sobbing pile and Cole sat by her rubbing her back once more.

"They would not have wanted you to be there," he mumbled "There was nothing you could have done to save them,"

"I should have been there anyway," she whispered "They were my clan,"

"Emma ir abelas" he mumbled stroking her hair "Now I am filled with sorrow. I understand that you are. I will fetch Bull. You are getting cold, and that is not good,"

"I can walk," she muttered and pulled herself up only to stagger a few steps and collapse in tears.

"Why?" she sobbed over and over again "Why? Have we not been through enough? Have we not suffered enough? Anything but this..."

Her sobs were interrupted by a crackling burning pain that almost made her faint and her scream as her hand lit up like a thunderstorm causing her to twist and spasm in pain the few seconds it lasted before it subsided. Unable to move she laid there in the snow sobbing and panting.

Cole wrapped his coat around her and hurried away, coming back with the Ironbull moments later. The big Qunari said nothing, just picked her up in his arms and carried her back to the camp keeping her in his arms as he charged towards his horse and ordered the Chargers to move.

"We are getting the Inquisitor home. Harding, Dalish, go ahead and give me the fastest route to Skyhold! Stitches, get me something to put her to sleep and to make that blasted thing stop glowing if you can!" she heard him roar and then heard him whisper to her "Do not give up. Please do not let this break you, kadan,"

Her mark was still throbbing and she burrowed her head against Bulls muscular chest clasping her arm and trying not to sob. She commanded armies. She knew she shouldn't break down like this. It was bad for morale.

She tried to fight when Bull and Stitches forced some kind of potion down her throat but she had nothing to put up against the Qunari when he actually wanted to restrain her. Soon she began to feel drowsy and even though the pain from her mark still came through the edge was taken away. The last thing she remembered was Cole wrapping her in her winter coat and Bull mounting his horse still holding her tight.

Deshanna was waiting for her as sleep wrapped around Ellanas mind. The Keeper looked like she always had, calm and content. She stroke Ellanas cheek and in her softest, most comforting voice she whispered;

"Elgara vallas, da'len

Melava somniar

Mala taren aravas

Ara ma'desen melar

Iras ma ghilas, da'len

Ara ma'nedan ashir

Dirthara lothlenan'as

Bal emma mala dir

Tel'enfenim, da'len

Irassal ma ghilas

Ma garas mir renan

Ara ma'athlan vhenas

Ara ma'athlan vhenas"

The same old lullaby she had in a quiet voice calmed Ellana with ever since her parents died. The Inquisitor cried and clung to her old mentor, only slowly realizing they were all gathering around her. Felthon with his stern face but kind eyes, Naris and Pallen looking mischievous as always, the others of the clan looking at her with calm and pride.

"We will always be with you, dhalen," Deshanna whispered drying the tears of Ellanas face "You are the last Lavellan, but also the greatest. We will live on forever thanks to you and your efforts for our people. Cry, grieve, but remember that you are never alone. You have family where you are now, and we will always be with you in spirit,"

"Did you suffer?" Ellana stuttered and Felthon scoffed

"What use would that information do you?" he asked and she tried to stifle a sniffle "For once, child, do not go look for information that will only cause you pain,"

"Whatever happened to us," Deshanna calmly interrupted "Know that we are in no pain or suffering any longer. Beware of the Dread Wolf, dhalen, remember the words of old. Ir tela'ena glandival, vir amin tel'hanin. Ir tela las ir Fen halam, vir am'tela'elvahen,"

"When we could no longer believe, we lost glory to war. When the Wolf won, we lost the People to war," Ellana mumbled "But he… Is he Fen'Harel?

"Time will tell," the keeper replied and started to fade as did the others "Stay true, dhalen, you are the best of us all. Stay strong, stay true. Mala suledin nadas. Dareth shiral, lethallan,"

"Please do not leave me," Ellana sobbed "I need you. I can't… Please..."

"You'll manage," she heard Pallens voice chuckle "You always do. We'll see each other again when you're done with what you are destined for,"

"No pressure," Naris piped in "But we expect you to take long and come with great stories of glory,"

"Oh, and tell Varric to take all the artistic licences he can writing our eulogy. We want nothing but the most outrageous heroics!"

She let out a sobbing chuckle, they were the same even in death. A soft sigh and Pallens voice softened, became more serious;

"Don't cry over us, Ellana. You know that we hate to make you cry,"

"Write a song instead," Naris suggested "Or drink yourself silly with friends. All we ever wanted was to see you with a smile on your face,"

"Live," Pallen whispered slipping away through the fade.

"Live for all of us," Naris concluded his brothers' words as they both disappeared with the rest of the clan.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am sooo sorry for the long wait!!!

She awoke with a stir and felt large strong hands pushing her down and in a distance Josephine's voice barking out orders;

"I did not tell you to try and find him, soldier! I told you to find Solas and bring him here! Out with you, keep searching! Fiona, have your mages found any way to contain the mark!?"

"We are trying ambassador but it is a thing of the Breach and we have not had a lot of time to study it. Mastering a new arcane lore can take centuries,"

"The Inquisitor does not have centuries, Enchanter! Vivianne, do something!"

"I wish I could, my dear, but the Mark is as foreign to me as it is to Fiona. Solas was the only one to really study it, and he seems to have no wish to be found,"

"Stop… bickering.." Ellana groaned gaining a headache placed upon that throbbing pain that shot through her arm.

"Inquisitor!" Josephine gasped and rushed to Ellana's side "You are awake! Oh thank the Maker, you are awake!"

"Stop thrashing," Cullen muttered and it was first then she realized that he was the person holding her down.

She relaxed into the bed and as one of the healers cleared her eyes of crusted goo she regained her sight and saw that they were all gathered around her bed in her quarters at Skyhold.

"H-how long have I been out?" she asked trying to ignore the pain and the pulsing green light from her arm.

"Almost a month," Cullen informed her as he moved back allowing the mages to gather around her "Bull and the Chargers took you here, apparently Stitches and Dalish barely managed to keep you alive until we could arrive with Fiona and our healers. They do say that you stabilized a bit when you got here, though… I do not want to imagine what state you were in before,"

"My clan," her voice broke as the memories flooded back "How!? You were to keep them safe!"

"Do not think about that now," Josephine begged "You need to rest. We have mobilized our scouts and soldiers to find Solas, so he can come here and help you with the mark,"

"He won't come," Ellana bluntly snapped "He is done with the Inquisition. He is done with me. They won't find him,"

"But surely he will not abandon you?" Josephine's tone of voice made Ellana sigh.

Such a romantic.

"He did months ago," Lavellan replied with a sigh and swatted at a young mage trying to examine her hand turning to Fiona and Vivienne, "Has it calmed down with time? Even a little bit?"

"It has," Fiona replied "The only thing I have been able to decipher is that it seems to somewhat respond to your mental state. There has been correlation between the rapidity of your eye movement and depending on how intense your pulse beat,"

"Hardly substantial results to administer medical recommendations from," Vivianne muttered and Ellana growled;

"It doesn't matter. I need something to eat and some water. Tell the men and women of Thedas I'm fine, if anyone was worrying about me. The news of this mark does not leave this room. Understood? I will not have vultures and quacks descend upon me or the Inquisition just because they think me weak. No one will put any faith in that Solas will swoop in and save me. I'll save myself,"

"Good," Vivianne said with a strange tone of approval "The Circle of Magi is at your service, Inquisitor,"

"As is the College of Enchanters," Fiona continued and gave the Inquisitor a small approving smile.

"Of course, Inquisitor," Josephine mumbled, still with worry in her eyes.

Cullen just gave her a solemn nod and said;

"I will inform our troops that all is well. What will we call this? It is known that you have been bedridden for a month,"

"Tell them I've been… on a vision quest or what not," she grumbled "Dalish tradition. They will believe anything about the Dalish,"

"We have Dalish in our ranks," he pointed out and she shrugged.

"They will believe it as well. There is a myriad of traditions and mystic paths within our culture. No one knows about all of them,"

"As you say, Inquisitor,"

There was nothing she hated more than being fussed over, but Josephine would not budge. Three days Lavellan spent in the bed being fed nothing but the nicest of soups and the Ambassador guarding her side like a protective mabari from anyone who wished to bother her.

At least it gave Lavellan a chance to question the Ambassador on how her clan could have been killed when Inquisition soldiers were supposed to be there and protect them.

"The Duke simply came too late," the Ambassador sighed "I am sorry, Inquisitor. We failed you,"

"I'd rather believe he betrayed us," Ellana growled "Awfully convenient to be late for such an event,"

"He is an ally of the Inquisition. He would not dare to..."

"Wouldn't he? What can we do? How unreasonable would I seem if I started a war against him for something bandits allegedly did? How convenient for him that he failed to reach them in time so he didn't have to house them in his own city. No… I refuse to believe bandits managed to kill my clan,"

"You… You do not suggest he did, do you?" Josephine's voice was troubled and in disbelief.

"I believe someone ordered an attack on my clan, Venetori, the Duke of Wycome, Andraste herself, it does not matter. They were targeted because of me, not just because they were Dalish, not just because the plague the rifts caused. We should have protected them, and we failed,"

"I.."

"I do not blame you," Lavellan interrupted Josephine's apology "I… damn it… I blame… I don't know. But I do not accept his gifts. Send them back. Tell him no amount of trinkets can replace what I have lost, nor change my mind on how much or little he tried to help my clan. Tell him that in the future we will respond with the same amount of haste and dedication as he did when we asked for his aid,"

"...I doubt that will be received with anything but fear, Inquisitor,"

"If he has nothing to fear, if he had no fault in his action, then all will be fine," Lavellan growled "If he did not aid my people when they needed him intentionally I will flay him alive and feed him to the ravens,"

"I might not put that in the letter..."

"That's probably good… Oh by...damn..."

The pain flared up again. Fiona seemed to be right about that her state of mind affected how bad the mark hurt. A few deep breaths and she and the mark calmed down, then she was forced to drink more camomile tea to appease her ambassador´s fried nerves. Lavellan simply noted that she still detested tea, and felt a pang of longing for Solas who felt as if he was the only one who understood said distaste.

On the third day, the green pulsing glow from her hand subsided and though she was still a bit tingly in that hand and arm she forced herself out of the bed and glared at Josephine as the Ambassador started to protest.

"I can't do this anymore" she growled "I need to... do something… Take a walk. Fight a dragon. Anything,"

"Well… fine," Josephine mumbled putting out some clean clothes for Ellana "But I insist on an escort. I will see if I can find Bull and Cullen, they can accompany you,"

"I'll take Cole," she muttered swooping her cloak over her shoulders and walking down the stairs.

Josephine did not argue, she could tell by the tone of Lavellans voice that there would be no objections to her decisions.

Ellana found Cole down by the horses, nuzzling her Halla. He glanced at her as she approached, a soft smile on his lips and not at all worried as everybody she had passed on the way there.

"I wish you peace," he mumbled and she nodded "I'll walk with you,"

"Thank you," she mumbled and they walked over the drawbridge out into the mountains.

She needed to breathe. The fresh air felt cleansing and she felt the strength return to her soul as she could look upon Skyhold and the Inquisition from the neighboring mountains.

"They were there for real" Cole said as they climbed up to a ledge giving them a spectacular view over the keep and the surrounding valley "They ventured to find you across the Fade because they loved you and cared for you,"

She nodded and rubbed her eyes a bit to avoid the tears to start rolling.

"I am aware of that," she replied "And to warn me,"

"He would want to help you. He hated to see you hurt or sad,"

"It doesn't matter," she whispered "He won't come. What he would feel matters naught if he won't act upon it,"

"You hoped he'd come," the boy whispered and put his arm around her.

"I wish for a lot of things that will never come to pass," Lavellan replied with a sigh "And yes. For that brief second when I woke up I hoped to feel his hands upon me and his voice to whisper to me that all would be well. This was not what I hoped coming home would be like,"

"The keep is happy you are here," Cole tried to comfort her "It did it's best to help keep you healthy when you were fighting the mark. We were all so worried,"

"I am worried too," she admitted glancing down at her hand "I do not know what it can mean that it is flaring up. He said he had stabilized it, that it was connected to the breach in the veil. The breach is closed. Maybe his magic is wearing off. If that is the case then… Oh well… It doesn't help to worry about the inevitable,"

"Dagna might be able to help? Maybe make a glove for you?"

His suggestion made her chuckle. It sounded insane, that a glove would help stabilize a magic wrought upon her by ancient earth-shattering elven magic. But then again, Dagna did some amazing things.

"Maybe" she mumbled taking in the view "Or I just have to try to not panic or stress so much. It seems to be calm when I am calm,"

"Being calm is good," Cole agreed "You light up like a torch in the night when you get angry. You are always bright… but then... it is like lightning,"

She nodded and reach into her backpack finding a package of sandwiches. The boy simply smiled and she felt her heart grow easier. He was such a good friend, always knowing what she needed and when she needed it.

"How have you been?" she asked him and he shrugged.

"Helping people makes me happy," he concluded "So I have been helping people. I have told Bull a lot of jokes and allowed him to teach me stuff lately. He has been very worried about you. He was so scared when you came back here, he was scared you would die,"

"Well, I didn't" she mumbled "He is such a mother hen,"

"You set him free," Cole answered "He feels lost without you. He fears what decisions he will make if you are not there to help him,"

That made her chuckle.

"He hardly asks me for any advice,"

"Not out loud, but he always looks to you for guidance," the boy glanced down towards the keep "You made him chose his own path. He has never walked without a leash. It is like when a dwarf first sees the sky. It is terrifying. So much emptiness, so little purpose,"  
"Don't be silly. It's The Iron Bull we are talking about, right?" she munched down on her sandwich  
"Yes. That is his name now," Cole fed parts of his sandwich to a family of birds that lived on the edge of the cliff "You are very important to him,"  
"Well he is important to me as well. As are you, Cole,"

The boy smiled and they sat in silence eating for a moment. Taking in their view, the mountains, Skyhold in all it's glory and the brilliant blue sky above them. She wanted to spread her wings and fly. Soar through the sky and just forget her troubles for a moment. The voices murmured in the back of her head and deep within her soul, she could feel that sensation of remembering events she had never lived through. Skyhold was home. It had always been. She belonged here.

"Do souls die, Cole?"

"I don't know," he answered looking up from the edge of a nearby cliff where he had found a nest of baby birds to feed "You remember things, things older than you, so maybe not? Death is strange,"

"We should head back. Leave the birds alone, Cole. They are fine,"

"They are hungry,"

"Baby birds are always hungry. Their parents will come and help them. It's important to let nature have it's cause once in a while,"

Cole sighed and fell in behind her as she scooted down the mountain back towards the keep. For just a second she thought she heard a wolf howl far away, but that was impossible. There were no wolves up here. Only bears, wolverines and birds of prey.

Maybe a dragon. Though that dragon was still slumbering.


End file.
